Fiery Creek Public Service Announcements, 25/05/2016

The following Public Service Announcement has been made public by Town Council on the 25th May 2016. Its aim is to let citizens know that:

  1. William Sato, Town Council member for the last 6 years, has announced his retirement. This means that the Council’s Development Seat will be left vacant in the next few months. The Council, in an attempt to ensure stability of the Cat-Dog negotiations, will not nominate any candidates for the position until matters are settled.
  2. A faction of black mambas has settled in town. They are a criminal gang that has attacked several citizens already. Among their illegal activities are impersonation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, violent attacks using knifes, and, allegedly, traffic of illegal drugs, according to the town’s police force. They are to be considered extremely dangerous, and avoided at all costs. The Town Council and Town Police are currently cooperating to manage the situation.
  3. The recycling system is not being used properly. Workers that pick up the trash to send it all to the same plant in the edge of town where everything is processed have complained that many citizens do not separate their rubbish because “they’re going to process everything together, anyway”. While this is true, the recycling system was created by our ancestors for a reason, and unknown as that reason might be to us, the recycling system needs everyone’s cooperation. So remember, on Monday it is Assassination tools – like a knife or a Voodoo doll -, on Tuesday it is Warm stuff – like some nuclear waste that you may have lying around the house -, on Wednesday it is Ears, on Thursday it is your Salary – you are going to waste it, anyway! -, Friday it is broken Oaths – are they useful anymore? -, Saturday it is Magic sludge, and Sunday it is Ears again. So remember, the mnemonics is AWESOME, not KNEECAP.
  4. This year Literature Week will probably be cancelled due to the weather. The weather predicted for October is going to be pretty bad – from what we know, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will probably ride that month, and it will rain blood -, which is highly inconvenient for the outdoor activities planned for that week. The Town Council is trying to negotiate with the Horsemen so that they ride one week later, but a positive outcome cannot be ensured in this tense negotiation.
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Important Sites of Fiery Creek 3: Mama’s Gelato shop

If there is a place in town that brings happiness and sorrow to the town, that is Mama’s Gelato Shop. If you want to experience a real roller coaster, I recommend you visit the ice cream shop located in the centre of town. It will take you on the wildest trip on the roller coaster of life.

Mama’s Gelato Shop is one of several establishments opened by the Italian mafia in the early 20s, when Mama Luca “took over” the Family, which basically means that she had a huge argument with Papa Luca and kicked him out of the house. From there, her empire only grew, to the point in which a whole district was renamed to Mama’s District, where she lives and operates most of her businesses now.

However, Mama’s Gelato Shop is exactly where it was first established. Its main function used to be – and still is – money laundering for the mafia, which it did – does – effectively. It also serves some of the most delicious and slippery ice cream in the world. Be warned that a great reward usually requires a great sacrifice.

So it’s another Tuesday. You are in the middle of the desert, where it’s hot all year round. Almost instantaneously, you will think that you need something fresh, something like an ice cream. Your desire will grow, slowly at first, exponentially after that. When your desire reaches a certain threshold that can be detected by arcane magic, you will be teleported into the shop. Make sure that this does not happen while you’re at the loo, please. The rest of us want to enjoy our ice creams.

Now you are in front of the ice cream, with flavours in excess of 300. If that is not enough to overwhelm you, a group of Italian shop assistants are all looking at you, with their perfectly tan skins, their teeth as white and perfect as newly placed gravestones, their dark hair and green and brown eyes that make you fall in love.

Nervous and blushing, you look at the first few flavours and try to choose something that will say “I am not a whore, but I’d totally let you have me if you wanted to”. You consider the flavour of sweet and cold revenge, but discard it for sounding too dark. You finally see what you are looking for: strawberry cheesecake, two scoops.

You pay $2.30, take the ice cream and give it a slutty lick, much to Doris Waters’ dismay. She will call the town police, but luckily your actions are not illegal according to town regulations. Meanwhile, you will have to calmly accept that those Italian shop assistants are on duty and will not jump on you, so you will give up and leave the shop.

Here is where the roller coaster starts. The next 20 minutes – if you somehow manage to keep the ice cream for that long – are going to take you from the highest ecstasy to the greatest misery. There is absolutely no technique that will allow for a perfect ice cream experience. That’s the price you pay.

I would help you, but I’m meeting Ms Pyp, the librarian, for some ice cream. This is our first date in 50 years! I wish you luck, and hope that you get the best of that ice cream.

History of Fiery Creek 3: The Rapture

The Rapture, for those less familiar with Christian eschatology, is the belief that, at one point in time, the dead believers will rise once again, Jesus will come a second time and all of the believers – zombies and non zombies – will meet the Lord in the air. Several authors have tried to predict a date for the Second Coming of Jesus and failed, except for one.

William Miller predicted that the second coming would happen between the 21st March 1843 and the same day of 1844. When nothing happened anywhere in the world, he assumed that he had made a mistake and recalculated the whole thing. Nobody at the time heard the news of a small town in the middle of the desert, Fiery Creek.

The 21st March 1843, the ground below Fiery Creek started to tremble. The earth cracked in several points, and strange noises came from the points in which the ground had fractured. The citizens gathered in the Caliph’s Palace, which was used as town hall at the time (this stopped being the case after Hell’s forces attacked the town for the last time in 1857).

Diane Vines, famous oracle of the town, who was a child of six at the time, spoke in the faerie palace, over everyone else’s voices. “It is the Second Coming” she said. “The dead are rising, and soon we shall all ascend into the air to meet the Lord”. Knowing her predictive powers – which mostly concerned fashion tips from the future and deaths -, the townsfolk decided to ignore her completely and demand reparations from the town hall.

At the time, most of the work in town hall was done by Mary Clark and Ba’al, prince of Hell. When they inspected the holes in the ground they found the dead of the first six Fiery Creek foundations, who were quite thirsty from the years spent buried. Once they helped them out, the zombies asked for directions to a bar, and they all went to the Fier family’s bar to get some drinks.

Of course, the living citizens complained. There was not enough housing for all of the new zombie settlers, and they should not be living in the streets. Mary Clark then had to devise a new district with new houses, which she built to the north of the town using ancient faerie magic. This was called the Revenant district, which stands today.

There was a time lapse of four months between the dead rising and the Second Coming. In those months, the neighbours of Fiery Creek had grown accustomed to the presence of the dead in town. They were friendly, didn’t use many resources and would contribute to the community as a literally tireless force.

In the hottest of July, a classic red mustang arrived in town, speeding through the desert and making the dust rise in clouds. Jesus – or, at least, someone everyone assumed was Jesus. He never gave a name – got off the car, sunglasses on, white linen shirt, long brown hair and a stubble in his face. “Sorry it took me four months to get here, got into a traffic jam. Let’s get this Rapture thing going, shall we?” he said.

He clapped and everyone started to float, even his mustang. Mary Clark, who had been working on resealing the last hole with a spade, hit the man hard in the head, and they all fell to the ground. “You think this is the right time for a Rapture?” she shouted at him. “It’s so hot, and you are going to have everyone travel through the air for hours? Think about the children and elderly! They might get dehydrated!”

The man apologized for his bad timing, recognizing that he had not taken all of those factors into account. Divine creatures do not undergo the same restraints as humans or other mortals, so he had not even considered that they might suffer in their trip up. He got onto his car once again, and said he would come back some other time, with a better plan.

The dust trail was lost into the desert. Nobody ever heard of him again.

Weekly Fiery Creek, 22/05/2016

Citizens displaced to new neighbourhoods after new cat and dog agreement.

The grace period to change neighbourhoods ended yesterday for pet owners. The last couple of weeks have been very stressful for citizens who had to purchase new houses, sell their current ones, and move to their new neighbourhood. Cat and dog authorities prepared the agreement so that the minimum amount of people had to move, studying the cat and dog census per neighbourhood. This still meant that 346 families had to move houses.

“It’s been a very stressful period” declared Sara Jenkins. “Selling the house was not difficult, but finding one in city centre was. My partner and I have two cats and a dog, which meant that we needed to move to city centre. We were lucky to find a house that suited our needs at the very last moment, we finalized the deal on Friday and moved on Saturday morning”.

Others were not as lucky as Sara Jenkins. Rita, the owner of the inn, told us about her experience. “I have a tabby cat, Miss, that has recently had a litter of kittens. They all look gorgeous. But my inn is in a cat free zone, next to the limit. There is no way that I could sell the inn and get a new one somewhere else. I need a solution for this”.

The news is expanded on in the following section.

City surrounded by fire, communications cut.

The prediction made by city council agents have turned true, and Fiery Creek has found itself surrounded by green fire this week. The sand, gravel and rocks that form the desert have been set on fire for kilometres around us. It is now impossible to exit or enter the town.

Several citizens have tried to escape the town through several means, including a hot air balloon and a helicopter. All of these methods have failed miserably, and the wounded are currently being tended to in hospital. Many citizens have expressed their concern about the hazards of being surrounded by fire, and some of them have issued complaints to Town Council.

Town Council, has issued a statement explaining that they have nothing to do with the fire, and that they are working on resolving this problem as soon as possible. In the meantime, they ask the citizens of Fiery Creek to relax, because the situation is stable, and to enjoy the fire. “Maybe take the family for a camp-fire, or a barbecue”, they have suggested.

Town Council member William Sato to retire in the coming year.

Town Council member William Sato has announced this week that he plans to retire sometime in the coming year. The news has shocked the community, who were delighted at the service that the Council member has done for the community in the last few years.

William Sato, a shiba inu aged 8, has been working as Council member for the last six years, and he says that “It’s time for him to retire and let the younger generations take over”. Right now he needs a few months to finish some work and arrange everything for the coming Council member that will replace him.

Among the work that this Council member has done for the town are the improvements of Fiery Creek General Hospital and the construction of the first ever park in Fiery Creek.

Fiery Creek Horoscope, 21/05/2016

This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.

Aries: again, no good at all. You will open the door to your friendly neighbourhood Jehovah’s Witness, wanting to hear what they have to tell you about their cult, and will be surprised by a bunch of black mambas attacking you.

Taurus: avoid colour pink this week. Or like, always. It doesn’t go well with the tone of your skin.

Gemini: you didn’t die last week, well done! However, your lawnmower is now sentient and wants to kill you. In fact, the lawnmowers of your area have formed a gang and a hold a grudge against you. Negotiation skills may help you out of this one, but I can see you die a horrible death.

Cancer: your wife will kick you out of the house now that the cat earns twice as much as you do. You will try to get help from an Ancient forgotten God, but it will bail out on you. Don’t waste that goat blood, it won’t help.

Leo: your cancer will be cured, but you will have to go to the Unit of Intensive Care with third degree burns.

Virgo: it seems that helping people with those barbecues will give you a lot of clients in need for treatment of burns. Make sure you have enough pig skin for grafts.

Libra: don’t use the oven this week. It’s a bad idea, OK? Just don’t ask.

Scorpio: your house will catch fire and all of the corn that you used to build it will turn into popcorn that your neighbours will eat. Wasn’t such a good idea, was it?

Sagittarius: I still don’t get why it’s always you, but no. Just… no.

Capricorn: you won’t die this week. Good.

Aquarius: you will finally become a famous Hollywood actor in high budget films, win an Oscar and be respected by everyone around you. Then you will wake up.

Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 17/74 of spontaneously turning into a butterfly this week. I would stay away from children.

2

Your first few days at Fiery Creek were definitely confusing. You had come to a strange town where everyone knew something was going on as you arrived, and everyone looked at you in a weird way. I would not take this very seriously, though. About 1% of the town’s population has a condition that makes their eyes do weird stuff. It’s specially bad for Rita, the owner of the inn.

You were not like the rest. You entered our lives silently, and settled among us without making much noise. Sure, you would ask for directions, and talk to providers of goods and services, but mostly you were silent. You somehow managed to access the library in your first try, which is a feat that nobody has achieved for the first time (I mean, look at all of the skeletons piled in the stairway, their flesh pulverized by the ray of death).

You were an oddity. We knew from the beginning. You brought us the rain.

That was the reason why, breaking all of the protocols and town council rules, in the safety of the library, Ms Erin Pyp talked to you.

“You are new around here”.

“Yes, I am”.

“I am the librarian, my name is Erin Pyp. Most people call me Ms Pyp, but you can call me Erin”.

“Hello, Erin, I’m Anne Black”.

You shook her hand, and she felt the warmth like nothing she had ever felt.

“Where do you come from?” she asked you.

“I come from a small town in Arizona. Well, actually, I’ve lived there my whole life. But I wasn’t born there…”

Erin remained silent. You looked at her, wary, and continued.

“Truth is, I don’t know where I come from. I’m looking for clues”.

“So you are trying to find yourself, then?”

“Yes and no. I’m looking for someone”.

“Maybe you should check the Registry of Lost and Found, then. There is also Ba’al. You should look for him, he has lived the longest around here. He knows all of history. He might be able to help you”.

“Thanks for the advice” you responded. “But I think I will start my search here, in the library”.

“Of course, of course” Erin rushed to respond. “I’ll be more than happy to have you around. You can ask me for help with anything that you may need”.

You looked around, and saw the giant hydra, still like a rock in front of the toilet doors.

“There are so many things that I’d like to ask… Like, what is that statue?”

Erin looked at the hydra. “Oh, no, honey, that is no statue. That is a hydra”.

“What?”

You were quite lucky to have had this conversation with Erin. Most of the people in town have never been in the outside world, or read much about it. Sure, they look at the news and think that they are knowledgeable about all of these countries in the middle of nowhere that nobody cares about, but the truth is that they are as ignorant about the outside the world as the outside world is ignorant about our small town. On the other hand, Ms Pyp has travelled far and wide and read each and every single one of the four million books that the library contains. She also happens to be a sensitive person, so… (hey, don’t criticize me for trying to regain her heart!).

“Oh, right, I sometimes forget. Most of the stuff in this town does not work in what you guys consider a normal way. Most of the time, not even we know what is going on”.

“So the fire surrounding the town…?”

Erin raised shoulders. “It’s OK to be confused. You will need time”.

You sighed. “I guess so…”

Erin looked at you and smiled. “Hey, it’s alright. Take it easy, and if you need anything, get to me. I’m in the library most of the time, anyway”.

“Thank you”.

“Anyway, we need to process your library card before you can enter, OK?”

Registry of Lost and Found, 19/05/2016

This is a message from the Registry of Lost and Found. In the last month, the following objects have been left in our care:

  • A pink cardigan, with demonic inscriptions all around it.
  • What looks like the horn of a unicorn. It’s long, brilliant and has strong magical properties.
  • A father, about 48 years of age, graying hair on the sides, receding hairline in the forehead. He has brown eyes and wears glasses. Responds to the name Mike, and says that he works as a quality assurance engineer.
  • A toaster.
  • A convertible umbrella. It can turn into a fully loaded machine gun with a grenade launcher add-on. Black colour, discrete looking.
  • An almost complete set of magical tools for beginners. Has an inscription from Fiery Creek Elementary.

These and other objects can be found at the Registry of Lost and Found. If you have lost any object, please, come visit us at the Old Creek district, next to the Caliph’s Palace.