Weekly Fiery Creek, 06/11/2016

This week in the news:

Town saved from politically correct alien menace, new danger approaches?

Thanks to everyone’s hard work – including most of the writers from this newspaper, which is the reason why this is going to be but a short note, followed by 75 blank pages -, the town has been saved from the politically correct aliens, and can enjoy peace once more. This time, Fiery Creek citizens have, for the first time, rid the town of the danger through cooperation, and everyone is now happily celebrating the end.

There is, however, this flying throne up in the air, menacingly looking at the town. Nobody seems too worried about it, but Amanda Alexander has asked everyone to stay in the Arc until they can confirm that we are out of danger. This should not be a problem, because most of the population has suddenly remembered what a shithole our town actually is, and have decided to stay in the paradise Eden that Joana has created in the Arc, conquering new planets and starting civilizations.

Oh, by the way, Satan vs Freddie Kruger election on Tuesday. Don’t forget to vote!

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Weekly Fiery Creek, 30/10/2016

This week on the news:

Yet another week of no death, aliens being repelled by Fiery Creek forces

Just… wow. We don’t know what to say. This week, Denna Sanders and Vitor Vico have designed a strategy that has allowed many people in town to fight against the aliens. For the first time ever, the citizens of Fiery Creek have fought their way back against the invaders, instead of just waiting for a group of saviors to use their powers to take care of the threat.

In an utterly empowering move, the leaders of town, in collaboration with columnist Denna Sanders, who writes the Denna’s Charm of the Week section, have created and published a team strategy that has been successful at keeping the aliens at bay. In fact, all of Fiery Creek has fought alongside Joana Jauregi, Amanda Alexander, Vitor Vico and Jennifer to destroy the alien menace.

The battle continues, and killing some aliens does feel refreshing. Let’s fight! For Fiery Creek!

Weekly Fiery Creek, 23/10/2016

This week in the news:

This is not what we were expecting

Remember how we had predicted that some incredible horror was coming to town? Well, the Confederacy of Extremely Politically Correct Sentient Beings and Non-Beings is here trying to kill us all for mysterious, unexplained reasons, and we are quite disappointed by the results of said attack.

Even though three of the powerhouses in town are out of town for business – Mamma Luca, Laurel Lewis and Anne Black -, there have only been two casualties and some destruction of public and private property. The casualties include Frank the goat, who was killed by the aliens twice, and then his body reformed instantaneously back to normal.

Everyone in town was saved thanks to Joana Jauregi, who took everyone to an underground Eden that she calls the Arc. She had previously been taken to prison precisely for building this fortress that can withstand absolutely any attack in city grounds, and she had won the case because nobody could actually go through the entrance to check that there was a building there. Though this proves that she had actually built a fortress illegally, we are extremely thankful to her and I don’t think anybody is actually going to arrest her or charge her with anything.

So, here is the thing. Having lived all of our lives in a town full of horrors where there was a genocide every other week, we cannot get used to this era of peace and no death. The extreme reproduction of population that had kept town from disappearing when a disaster struck has apparently also slowed down, and population is stabilizing as we ask ourselves: maybe the world is actually a beautiful and peaceful place?

We can’t understand our new situation, which produces a lot of anxiety. It’s almost like we are waiting for death to strike in some surprising and over the top way, yet, each time for a few months now, the disaster has been averted with minimal casualties. What this might mean, we don’t know.

We are trying to explore all possibilities, and we have no answers. Maybe God had abandoned our town and has given us redemption. Maybe nothing makes sense, not even the suffering of the people here, and this doesn’t make sense either. Maybe we all died in the Apocalypse and this is just our Purgatory. Maybe death is just an illusion and maybe suffering is not necessary to achieve salvation, or to lead a normal life, or to work out how to open a jar of olives that won’t budge. Maybe we are getting too philosophical with this, or maybe we aren’t, and maybe our town is being spared from the suffering because our country is going to elect either a bad president or a terrible one. Maybe we are the chosen ones, and maybe we are the innocent, maybe, just maybe, this world is actually inherently good, and not plagued with evils, like we had thought before. Maybe even, when you embrace the good stuff in life, life gives back good stuff, too, and maybe the people who keep protecting us and caring for us know what’s best for us because they are envoys from some merciful God who loves us.

We don’t know, and we are going to try to explore this through this issue, from pages 1 to the very end in page 75.

Weekly Fiery Creek, 16/10/2016

This week in the news:

Not much going on in town

Not much has happened this week in town. We are getting seriously worried that whatever is coming is going to be HUGE. Brace yourselves for whatever is coming.

The week can be pretty much summarized to the following:

  • Laurel Lewis gets freedom without charges. Amanda Alexander’s case seems to advance towards a resolution.
  • Red fire explosions in the Forbidden District, rising from the white fire that had already engulfed the whole district. Vee has informed us that the red fire is the result of the anti-monster defensive system that Mamma Luca and him set up before they got imprisoned.
  • Vee has proposed that the Town Hall reallocates back to its original location in the Caliph’s Palace, which is now empty and usable. Most people agree that this is a reasonable course of action.
  • One of the Doris clones apparently died, but there are still a couple running around town, so not much to say about that either.

Seeing this, there is only one thing to say: get ready for some atrocities of incredible dimensions. The peace won’t last long. It never does.

Weekly Fiery Creek, 09/10/2016

This week in the news:

Council still alive, heading for some unknown destination

After Town Hall took off into outer space – as part of some 130 year old joke by Diane Vines, oracle of town -, the fate of Doris Waters and the Council was unknown. Some expected them to die, or… Well, actually most people expected them to die. It’s not like they are geniuses.

This week, however, they somehow managed to publish a Public Service Announcement explaining that they are alive and we should not worry about their wellbeing. Apparently the spaceship is taking them to some far-off destination, probably even outside our own universe, and there is no way to turn the spaceship back to town.

The news has spread like wildfire, and most citizens have spent the weekend celebrating. In fact, there are still many people who are celebrating, drinking and shouting “Free at last!”, and many have called for the 1st of October to be a town holiday, in commemoration of the event. Several people have also started to build statues to honour Diane Vines, for ridding us from the tyranny of the Council.

The kidnapping of the Council has other consequences for the town politics, chiefly the fact that the elections for Mayor can now be held without the interference of the Council. Vee, who has recently been discharged from prison with no charges, is currently working with a team of legal experts, led by Eleanor West, to hold the elections as soon as possible.

Forbidden District burns in great fire

A white fire has engulfed the Forbidden District. Several animals – which we are going to back to in our next news report – have fled the jungle that had been illegally grown in the District. The source of said fire is unknown, but it has been going since Monday, which points out towards a highly powerful source – or highly flammable jungle. Serves them right.

Several witnesses spoke of a boom and the fire growing to spectacular proportions in a very short timespan. This, however, does not match the damages that the neighbouring Districts have received, which should have been greater if the witnesses’ accounts are to be taken as true.

A few of them pointed out that there were some nuns performing some sort of containment spell that would not have allowed the blast to damage anything or anyone outside the Forbidden District’s perimeter. There is no solid evidence that this is true – which is quite suspicious considering everyone carries a camera with them at all times now that smartphones are a thing -, and the nuns have neither confirmed nor denied the truth of these statements.

The Witches have been contacted to see if they need some sort of help or something, but none of them were available, either. They are Witches, so they should have enough magic power to escape anyway. Not like anyone is going to risk their lives for some people who never interact with anyone else, right?

(OK, we are trying to make up some lame excuses to justify ourselves and avoid feeling the guilt of the decaying social values and a viewer kind of morality. Before we make things even worse, we are going to proceed with the next piece of news).

Animals seen cooperating all over town

This is a piece of news that should have been covered a long time ago, and this article is going to be a giant piece of shit journalism, but whatever.

The animal community of town has been a lot calmer ever since the Apocalypse. The tensions in the mammal communities have decreased, and animals can now be seen cohabitating peacefully all through town. This is particularly true for cats and dogs, who don’t mind sharing spaces anymore.

It seems that all animals in Fiery Creek banded together against the Black Mamba threat, as all members of the Black Mamba gang were found dead after the Apocalypse. Among them was a gigantic black mamba which had been spotted by several citizens before the Apocalypse. The corpses had bite marks of different sizes, including those of alligators and dogs.

Now that the Black Mamba gang is not active anymore, things seem to have calmed down for most animals. The leaders of cats and dogs could not be reached for comment, and it seems that the harmonious living is going to be happening for quite some time. Human members of the Fiery Creek community are happy to hear these news, but fear that so many good news cannot come with some bad turn somewhere.

 

Weekly Fiery Creek, 02/10/2016

This week in the news:

Town Hall takes off to space in surprising turn of events

Let us start this, the way the Spanish say it, speaking in silver:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Town Hall was surrounded by the citizens day and night, protesting during the day and taking turns to guard the building during the night – which is not very difficult because the lighting problem of the town was solved back in the Apocalypse with all of the glowing crosses that appeared in town -, with the objective of taking down the Council and asking for the freedom of the political prisoners of this town.

The protests had intensified during the week, and several citizens sent fireworks against the building in an attempt to harass the Council into opening up the building, to no avail. Last night, however, ANUS members organized a raid on Town Hall without the use of magic means, and almost succeeded to climb into the building without alerting anyone.

When Greg Ferguson, leader of ANUS and editor of this newspaper had almost climbed into one of the windows, he met Doris Waters, who was apparently in the Town Hall. She panicked and started a fuss hat woke the Council, who put on all alarm systems of the building. All entrances sealed completely, throwing Greg Ferguson and most of the ANUS members down the building, where they met their deaths – none of the magic users did anything to save them, and to be fair, nobody in this newspaper blames them. Greg Ferguson and the ANUS people were assholes. Rita Saez survived, though. There’s always some moron who miraculously survives.

The security systems, however, were apparently something else, because a couple of minutes after the building was sealed it took off towards space, and is now headed out of the solar system at high speed. Where there used to be Town Hall there is now just a crater, with a giant inscription that can be read clearly from the edge of the crater. It says:

Joke’s on you, like I would let you go without doing a thing.

Diane Vines

It would seem like Diane Vines, oracle of town, did not choose a building of the future as a Town Hall, but a spaceship from the future – actually, that would explain why it was so impossible to describe in physiological terms, because spaceships are hard to describe already -, probably as part of a joke against someone, though there is no way to know who this someone might be.

So, yeah, Town Hall and the Council are in outer space now. We have mixed feelings about the fact that this was all a joke from about 130 years ago,¬† but we are all elated that the Council and Doris Waters problems seem to be solved by this. Also, ANUS won’t be an inconvenience anymore, so we’ve got that going for us.

Bloody Harpies turn the desert red with blood

The first concert of the autumn concert season has been a success. The desert was covered in blood from the fans who went to the concert to witness a literally mind-blowing show. According to a video that was recorded – the cameraman who recorded the concert also died -, the skulls of the fans blew up producing rains of blood, bone and brains that covered the other fans, and soon the mosh pit was full of corpses.

At one point, the lead singer took a fan to the stage, where his had exploded, and all of the band members took his skull and drank the blood from it. It was the most brutal show of metal and gore, a savage act of violence in which thousands of people from all over the world died while having the time of their lives.

You can only ask this much from a veteran metal band like the Bloody Harpies. This has been rated one of the best metal concerts of all time.

Weekly Fiery Creek, 25/09/2016

This week in the news:

Town Heroes arrested in Town Council’s political move

This week, Vitor Vico, also known as Vee, the most popular candidate for the mayoral elections of this town, has been unjustly arrested by the Town Council’s forces. This is thought to be part of the Town Council’s maneuver to reduce Mr Vico’s popularity with the public, which has been earned through hard work and service to the community.

He was arrested this Friday, along with several of his frequent collaborators, with charges, right when he had taken care of the threat that the citizens of Bloody Christmas 1999 were posing to the rest of Fiery Creek. Vitor Vico and Mamma Luca had also just finished a ritual to destroy the giant asphyxiating plant that protected the Town Hall and had overgrown, also threatening the lives of citizens that may need to get anywhere near Town Hall.

The Council, who has a mayoral candidate of their own – a puppet of the Council -, could not allow the popularity of Vee to grow anymore, as he currently has 99.99% of the people’s approval -the last 0.01% was Doris Waters. None of this newspaper’s workers dared to go ask her, in fear of the psychological torture -, which is the reason why he has been arrested, along with all of his collaborators. No Council member has dared to deny this fact, and, in fact, Council member Amelia Beyer stated that “she was proud that they had taken the decision to unfairly place Vee in prison”.

Several citizens have reacted in social media saying that Vee and the rest “should just escape the prison using their powers”. Vee has responded with calming comments saying that he “will abide by the law and clean his name in a trial”. This has created an even greater uproar, with comments like “He is a good man, he should be freed!”, and “Stop the political arrests!” firing up in the media.

The support for the Council is lower than ever, with only 27.42% of the people thinking that it is still necessary to have an unelected Council in a modern democracy. However, of these only 5.14% support the current Council, while everyone else asks for a change. A demonstration has been organized for Tuesday, and several thousand of the citizens have already stated their intention to join this demonstration to stop the Council’s rule

The following is a list of the arrested citizens and their charges, along with an analysis of why these are fake:

  • Vitor Vico, mayoral candidate: arrested for homicide of Doris Waters. There is actually no evidence for this charge, only a witness, which is Doris Waters herself. How could Doris report Vee killing her? This is obviously a political trial.
  • Anne Black: also arrested for the involuntary homicide of Doris Waters. The prosecutors claim that she killed Doris, but they also claim that she did so in a completely different event that happened in the Library. While there are several witnesses who saw this, Doris could not have been killed twice, while still being alive. There is also no evidence for this one.
  • Amanda Alexander: it has recently been known to the public that she is a monster hunter, and that she had handed the Police several monsters that she had lured into her basement and killed before they could pose a threat to the town. She is accused of killing her mother in law, but it is not known whether they mean a relative of hers, or the infamous Mother In Law, Eater of Souls, Bane of the World.
  • Laurel Lewis: before coming back to save town from the Apocalypse, this brave citizen had traveled to several Ancient Civilizations for a holiday that she had taken from her job. Her being one of the few people who have time traveled, and the only one to visit Ancient Egypt, Walter Simmons, pyramid enthusiast, has accused her of transporting his pyramids back in time. The fact that she did time travel to Ancient Egypt does not prove that she had taken those pyramids.
  • Erin Pyp, town Librarian: arrested for stealing intellectual property from other authors. Apparently, the wand that she used in her mission to save John Fier and Dominic Wess from the Registry of Lost and Found was very similar to those in the Harry Potter universe, and the IP Lawyers want to check them. Wands, however, have been part of the magic folklore for quite some time already, and their use is not subject to IP Law – according to Eleanor West, lawyer of town who will represent Ms Pyp.
  • Mamma Luca: arrested for the murder of Isobel Paris, High Witch of the Fiery Creek Akelarre. This one is the most difficult one. Not only are there witnesses, but there is also footage obtained by said witnesses of Mamma Luca overpowering Isobel Paris. This does not prove murder, but Mamma Luca could as well face prison for homicide.

Some magic enthusiasts have taken the Quantitators’ ‘Most powerful people of the Multiverse’ list from last year and calculated whether the imprisoned people could, in some way, destroy the powerful magic that maintains the prisoners locked, and have discovered that, actually, with their powers combined they could probably blow up the whole planet quite easily. They have, however, insisted in taking matters to trial to clean their names peacefully, which we praise them for.

This newspaper, hearing their cry for peace even in the face of the worst injustica, can only do what has to be done to honour these people’s noble intentions: make a call for war. We think that Vitor Vico and his companions deserve a revolution of the town, and this is the reason why we call ANUS and every other citizen in this town to stand up against their oppressive government.

As our ancestors said, in their own countries: Viva la revolución!

Bloody Harpies come to town for first autumn concert of the season, Homicidal Babies cancels due to lead singer’s disease

The autumn concert season will start this Thursday with the usual events. This year, the Bloody Harpies have announced that they will “turn the desert red with blood” and that the concert-goers’ heads are “literally going to explode”. The demonic-metal band is making a comeback after a two year hiatus in which the band took some rest to find inspiration.

On the other hand, Homicidal Babies, a classic of every year’s autumn concert season, has canceled their concert in the last minute as “the lead singer had a disease that didn’t allow him to go on stage”. Fans have been extremely supportive and have said that they can wait until next time. Band members have been very thankful to their funs and have stated that “they will try to reschedule their murderous concert as soon as possible”.