Neighbours of Fiery Creek, 10/11/2016

This is a public space to send messages to neighbours, to strengthen our community bonds and resolving our disputes. No form of violent comments will be tolerated, so refrain from sending them to this forum. Thank you.

From D3. Everyone, I am the only Doris that is left. I think that someone has been hunting on us.

From Frank. Here we go again. Get ready for the corpse, @Eleanor.

-> Liked by Sean and Ryan.

From Rita. OMG, @D3, that’s horrible! Someone needs to stop this! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

From Denna. Guys, I need help, and this is serious. I’m trapped inside the house and my sister is trying to kill me. I am going to fight her, but I don’t want to injure her. The police doesn’t respond, so please, send some help.

From D3. Excuse, but I think that my problem is far more important. Would you please give some consideration to me? I don’t think it’s asking that much.

From Liza. Uze ze vater zpell zat you taught uz. Bitchez don’t like to get vet, @Denna.

-> Liked by Denna.

From Denna. Thank you, @Liza! I think it worked!

From D3. Thank you, @Rita.

From Alex. Hey, @Denna, if you’ve managed to immobilize her, would you take her to my office? I think your sister needs therapy. First month is free.

From Denna. Really, @Alex? Thank you! I’ll take her right away.

From D3. You are all a bunch of insensitive bastard. Can’t you give me the least bit of attention? I have real issues here! Someone is going to hunt on me and kill me!

The account @D3 has been deleted because it’s user has deceased.

From Frank. Oh, wow. Someone was actually hunting on them. Now you need to find the culprit, @Eleanor.

From Eleanor. As if I didn’t have enough work already, @Frank. I’m working on regularizing some alien immigrants.

Advertisements

Lynda’s easy magic potions: Ardesant

OK, so WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I am not happy. Not happy AT ALL. Yes, you guessed right, it’s my bitch sister once more. No, that slut did not have enough with stealing a section from this magazine for her stupid spells. That fucking attention seeking whore was not satisfied with getting away without any punishment from destroying invaluable beauty supplies.

That hoe now had to take the spotlight and get proclaimed a town hero.

Yes. I have to repeat, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Nobody in their senses understands this fucking nonsense.  It’s like, don’t you get that she is a criminal that should have been convicted? Like, what has she ever done for our town? Destroy beauty supplies, which, as I have explained before, are a pillar to our society, get away with her crime… Oh, and publish some useless spells, taking up magazine space where there could be something more useful, like the new paleo-sugar-free-gluten-free-caffeine-free-fat-free-protein-free-detox diet.

I promise you, one of these days I’m going to kill that bitch. This town needs a vigilante, and that’s going to be me if nobody else is going to stand up for what’s right.

Anyway, let’s get back to business. Today I’m going to tell you about Ardesant, the most recent and most important beauty product that you just need to have right now. I know what you are going to say “but Lynda, why do I need to have this if I already have all of the other potions?”

OK, this one is a bit tricky. It is the kind of potion that does not seem to do anything, but actually makes the effect of all other potions more potent, and arranges them all so that they are just right. It’s basically like the base, but for beauty potions. It’s just great, and I’m very proud of having discovered this recently.

So, in order to make this potion, you will need 7000 metric tons of water, a teaspoon of glucose and time. You just pour the glucose in the water and heat the whole thing until it reaches 32ºC, and keep it there for the next 7 days. Then you have to keep the whole mixture at 31.6ºC for exactly 4 days 18 hours 54 minutes and 23 seconds, and finally let it sit at 24ºC for two whole weeks. You then have to add another 1000 metric tons of water.

This potion just works wonders. You combine it with the other potions and it will make you look stunning, better than you have ever been before.

Denna’s Charm of the Week

Hi!

I’ve been having lots of fun with my new friends, and my sister has not bothered me for a while, so no complaining today. Let’s have some fun with the new spells that I’m going to teach you!

As we all know, aliens have attacked town, and we are resisting against them inside the Arc built by Joana Jauregi – who, I’m going to boast now, is a friend of mine! -, and though this is an impenetrable fortress which happens to harbour a whole Multiverse inside, a lot of people would like to recover their houses in Fiery Creek. This is the reason why we are fighting.

So, here is the thing, the Confederacy of Extremely Politically Correct Sentient Beings and Non-Beings is the one that is attacking us, so we need to hit them on their prime weakness: their political correctness. For this reason, Vee and I have devised a strategy that works with just three magicians, each of them casting one spell.

The spells are the following:

  • Ezkeld: a protective shield that can endure several attacks at the same time, it’s adequate to protect small groups of people from attacks coming from any angle. It’s not a perfect defense, and the stronger the caster the better its effects are going to be. The most powerful magician in the team should cast this spell.
  • Exprashio: when this spell connects with a target, it explodes. It does not have to hit an enemy directly, if the spell hits against some building and throws rocks and dust everywhere it will also damage the enemies, so just use it!
  • Incorrectio Humaorio: I have developed this spell with the help of Amanda Alexander and Joana Jauregi, who are superb magicians and have a terrible, extremely politically incorrect sense of humor. Basically, this illusion spell shows an extremely graphic image that makes the enemies lose their concentration. Images go from dicks and cunts to dead babies to racial humor. In fact, be careful when using this one, because you may feel offended yourself.

Basically, the caster who uses Ezkeld needs to stay in the centre of the team, holding the spell against enemy attacks, while the other two distract and attack nearby enemies. We have tested this strategy in the battlefield, and it works really well! We still have to recommend that you see Vee, Amanda, or any of us before you head out into the battlefield. We don’t want to have any casualties or injuries, and we will first check that your power levels are adequate to fight against the aliens.

And remember, always be safe! All the best!

For Fiery Creek!

Middle of the Desert Discs, 20/10/2016

In our endeavour to get to know our neighbours better, every month we ask a prominent citizen of the town to tell us what book they would take with them to the Middle of the Desert, apart from the complete works of Tolkien and Cervantes. This week we have asked Laurel Lewis:

“A favourite book? I’m quite selective about what I read. A lot of people recommended American Gods recently, and though I enjoyed some parts, I don’t think I would put it between my top books. I mean, when you are one of the most powerful people in the known Multiverse, not much is surprising. If I am to make a confession here, I will say that I read obscure and mostly unknown Basque poetry from the XIXth and XXth centuries”.

Neighbours of Fiery Creek, 13/10/2016

This is a public space to send messages to neighbours, to strengthen our community bonds and resolving our disputes. No form of violent comments will be tolerated, so refrain from sending them to this forum. Thank you.

From D4. Dear neighbours, this is an emergency. A call for help. I am being followed around town, and I have an ominous feeling about it. I think someone is attempting to murder me. Please, help.

From Alex. What’s going on, @Doris? Have you called @police_official_for_realz_this_time_2?

From police_official_for_realz_this_time_2. We are onto you, @D4. What’s your exact location?

From D4. I’m hiding in the ruins of my home. I think I have managed to lose them, @police_official_for_realz_this_time_2.

From Sean. @Alex what’s going on?

From Alex. Apparently Doris is being followed by someone, police is onto it, @Sean.

From police_official_for_realz_this_time_2. @D4, stay there, we have sent a patrol to get you.

From Liza. @D4, I’m going back home, I can zee ze car zpeeding to our ztreet!

From D4. It’s taking too long! She is approaching! Tell them to drive fast, @police_official_for_realz_this_time_2!

From Alex. Hide in the tunnels, @D4! Don’t stay there!

From Frank. Holy shit, Doris is gonna get killed before these assholes ever get there! Seems like you are going to have to go pick up her corpse and do the legal procedures, @Eleanor.

-> Liked by Ryan.

From Eleanor. It’s not funny, @Frank.

From Eleanor. Also, how are you writing here, @Frank? Your hooves shouldn’t let you!

From D4. I can’t hear the siren, @police_official_for_realz_this_time_2. Are you sure they had the right direction?

From police_official_for_realz_this_time_2. We’ve sent them to Sinno street in the Petunia district.

From Liza. Ze car haz exploded! I’m taking care of ze injured agentz.

From Alex. @D4, is everything OK?

From D4. She is coming. I have no escape! Hel

From Frank. Yeah, I think whoever was following her got her for real.

The account @D4 has been deleted because it’s user has deceased.

From Frank. There you go.

Lynda’s easy magic potions: Resseno

OK, let’s face this: my sister is, like, the worst bitch ever. I had my boyfriend Rod take her to prison for letting all of my potions and make up supplies be destroyed, and do you know what she did? You won’t believe what that bitch did, it’s like, OMG, the fucking worst. She fucking managed to get out of prison.

I think it’s, like, so disrespectful to society that a fashion criminal like my own sister should be free. It’s VERY IRRESPONSIBLE to let a person who actively let some super important make up get destroyed free to go wherever they want to. Like, she could go around letting more super essential make up and potions get destroyed, what person in their right mind would want that?

And, you know, there are some haters out there who are just jealous of my looks. They are just, like, ugly people. Old people too. They say that people who use make up and potions are fake, but, like, if they were, why would anybody use them? Like, hello? Looking like a hottie is, like, the most important thing to be able to get a man, and also to get other hot people’s approval, which are, like, the two most important things for a young woman like myself.

Because of this, and against what my editor and publisher’s opinion (like, whatever, I don’t care about their opinions), I have decided to focus this section on beauty products only. I think this town needs some goddamn beauty standard vigilante, and I’ll be the one to take up that spot.

And today, I’m going to talk about Resseno. This is a potion that can be used to those extra-skinny legs that you’ve always wanted. And when I say extra-skinny, I mean, like, so skinny that you will barely be able to stand up – which is how skinny they should be, if you ask me.

So, basically, you will need the following ingredients:

  • A brain sample from an Alzheimer’s disease patient.
  • A blood sacrifice from an ugly virgin.
  • Sulfuric acid, the higher the concentration, the skinnier your legs will be.
  • An olivine.

This one is a bit hard. I mean, if you have a neighbour that is, like, a loser nerd of rocks and stuff you can probably kill them as the blood sacrifice – no nerd was ever hot -, and also get the sulfuric acid and the olivine from them. I did that, but, you might not be as lucky. Well, getting those is your problem, you filthy bitch.

You take the blood sacrifice and mix it with sulfuric acid, all while heating the whole thing, like, a lot. When the whole things has boiled, you pour the liquid over the olivine, which will start to glow. Now is when you need the brain sample from the Alzheimer’s disease patient.

There are several ways of obtaining that, but none of them is easy. The Alzheimer’s patient needs to be alive. So what I did was I opened a patient’s skull with a hammer and took it away, and then, like, smashed the brain with the glowing olivine for, like, 10 minutes. The patient died, but who cares.

You then have to swallow the whole thing and wait. This is extremely important, but you cannot vomit. You’ve been warned. With that, you will have the perfect legs!

Denna’s Charm of the Week

Hi!

I’m sorry to do this again. It looks like I use this space to bitch and tell my problems to you guys, but this time I really need it. Yes, you guessed right: my little sister is being a bitch once more.

This time, she has decided to sue me for destroying a lifetime of beauty supplies, including a potion called Azelyte for which she had given away her own heart. This is after I saved her life countless times during the Apocalypse and the Heatwave, and protected her from several monsters. So, as the saying goes, ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. It’s quite sad, if you ask me.

Anyway, so I’m in preventive imprisonment, because I might (quote) “go around destroying more beauty supplies, because I’m a serial beauty supply destroyer”. You’d think it’s bad, but the thing is that most of the criminals who were here died during the Apocalypse, and the ones who survived had to face the scorching heatwave, as absolutely everyone forgot about them. So I’ve met Vee, Mamma Luca and Amanda Alexander, among other people. They are really interesting and fun to be with, and they have even taught me a couple of more advanced spells, which I will teach you about today:

  • Whifire: Mamma Luca taught me this spell, which is used to summon fireworks out of nowhere. This one sounds like it should be quite easy to pull off, but the fact that you produce it out of nowhere is very important, because it means that you are violating the basic laws of physics and that conservation of mass is a joke for you. She said it’s not dangerous at all, and that it’s quite fun to throw it into people’s faces! However, with her kind of power level she is practically invulnerable, and considering that she reminisced on the roasted faces after she told me that, I wouldn’t point this spell towards anyone you love.
  • Llamalia: this one came from Vee, he said that you can summon a llama using this one. He stressed the point of pronouncing the double l in the same way in which Spanish speakers pronounce it, and not to confuse it with ‘Lamia’, which is a fairy-like being of the rivers that might as well help you, but could also curse you and all of your descendants for centuries to come. Also, he warned that 1 in 10 llamas are violent sociopaths that might as well rip your face out of your skull. Be careful with this one.
  • Rafflesha Undetarra: this one came from Amanda, and she said it’s a family spell that comes from way back. Apparently her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother was a powerful witch that travelled the world and meddled with the Dark Arts. When she got to Indonesia, she was fascinated by the Rafflesia Arnoldii, the plant with the largest flower in the world, and she took a specimen which she brought back to her home in current day Iowa. With it she created the Refflesha Undetarra, a monster that rots the flesh of any creature that is touched by its stench and tortures the souls of those who look at it. There are some important conditions that need to be met to be able to summon this creature (for example, being a direct descendant of Amanda’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother), which means that most people will actually not be able to summon it. I have just included this one in the list to show you the potential that magic can have.

I hope you experiment and use the spells I’ve sent you in new and creative ways. As yo can see, if you learn magic you can go wherever, and even become one of the most powerful people of the Multiverse. But, most importantly, you can have tons of fun!

Be well!

Denna