The Plains of Angst and Sorrow, Part 1

Dear Vera,

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a letter. Well, at least it has for me. I am still trying to understand what’s going on with time and space, ever since I entered the Plains of Angst and Sorrow.

So, as you might remember, back in March I sent you a letter telling you about a mission I had brainwashing some cabinet members in Washington. The following week, when the Freemasons noticed that we had replaced the members of the president’s cabinet with golems, they declared war on the Illuminati. As I already told you in that letter, I was going to try to negotiate with the Freemasons.

So I sent you the letter and went to the Plains of Angst and Sorrow. The headquarters of the Freemasons are on the other side of the plains, so I just needed to cross the plains to get there. Easy job. Except the region has now been covered by a thick forest (I think this is my fault?), and is almost impossible to navigate, even on foot. I summoned a hatchet to open my way through the vegetation, yet the moment I entered the forest, it melted in my hands. Like, even the wooden part of it, turning into some weird sludge that dropped to the grass.

The moment this liquid touched the floor, it exploded, sending projectiles in the direction of the Occult Neighbourhood, and throwing me to the floor. Luckily, I wasn’t harmed, because I fell on a bed of unusually comfortable grass. It was pretty cold in there, and, in fact, I was quickly trapped in a block of ice, yet it was soooooo comfortable. Dad would have loved it, because it had great support for the back (and you know how picky he can be when choosing a mattress).

Anyway, from the directions I had gathered before leaving the Occult Neighbourhood, I had to travel north, while the grass was taking me somewhere towards the west, so I lit a small fire in my hands to slowly melt the ice enclosing. The problem was that drawing Dark Runes for spells is quite hard in such a cramped space, and so I made a small mistake and used the superlative imperative to create the fire, instead of the common imperative (I know, I know, this is some Dark Rune linguistics gibberish), thus setting literally everything in a five kilometer radius on fire. Every single atom of every single molecule in a sphere around me was on fire.

Everything happened in a quick succession from there. I think that, because the ground was below me, there was a lot more stuff on fire below me than above me (because air is very thin when you compare it with five kilometers of Earth’s crust), so the massive amounts of energy lifted me, the only object that was not on fire (thanks to the extremely handy fire resistant Illuminati cloak), high towards the sky. The lift was enough for me to see the circular blast spreading in every direction and a mushroom-shaped cloud forming just below me.

As I was up in the air, I noticed how far I had travelled from the edge of the Occult Neighbourhood. The Illuminati Headquarters was barely visible as a dark tower in the skyline, and the yellow triangle on the top was not discernible against the sky. It would seem that the grass had taken me miles away. However, I did not have much time to look around, because my imminent fall and the shockwave of the explosion were more urging matters at the time. I deployed the handy parachute that the Illuminati cloak has in it (I could sing the praises for that cloak, it’s truly a great tool for the job), and landed safely, not as far from the blast site as I would have liked.

The gigantic hole was being filled with superhot materials from the crust’s lower layers, which, added to the radiation, created an extremely dangerous combo. I fled the place, always followed by that wave of destruction, and ran towards the north. Days passed, and I eventually reached a calm area, from where I could start to travel like a normal person.

Sorry, I can’t continue writing. A very friendly looking 6-meter-tall bear is telling me that I need to go through a dark cave to continue my travels. At least, that’s what I’ve understood. The bear says that it will absolutely show me the way to my destination, and definitely not lure me into a dark cave to kill me and steal my organs. Sounds pretty trustworthy!

Regards to everyone at home. Love,

Jan

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