Get ready for this, because this week I have some sad news.
My boss, the sub-Lieutenant Third of the American Branch of the Illuminati, has passed away. I never got to know him, because he wasn’t my boss before, and because he was in hospital the whole time while he was my boss. In fact, I have never seen his face, because it got terribly disfigured by that giant fiery bird that everyone keeps talking about. Now that I have taken his position, I hope the best for him in the afterlife, and I hope to honour his memory by fulfilling my duties as sub-Lieutenant Third of the American Branch of the Illuminati.
Now that I’ve given you some good news, it’s time for the actual bad news.
The Freemasons have declared war on the Illuminati. Apparently, as our forefathers predicted, the Illuminati and the Freemasons would eventually fight on the greatest war on all of history, which would be fought in the Plains of Angst and Sorrow and would decide the destiny of humanity as it moves on a speck of dust through the vast infinity of void that is the universe. During this war, one will destroy the other, and the winner will shape the world to its image.
This makes me extremely sad. I mean, I have read some of the pamphlets that the Freemasons give out in the streets, and they are very similar to our own. Most of them involve luring people to restaurants, bars and clubs with special offers and to kidnap them, to brainwash them later on so that they acquire the company values. The Freemasons and the Illuminati have so much in common! I think both companies would benefit from collaboration instead of competition, and I’ve tried to explain this to the warring leaders of the Illuminati, but all explanations have been met with tribal dances of power.
As the Illuminati are preparing for war, I feel the urge to try to negotiate with the Freemasons. I think I’m going to try to go pay them a visit on my own, just to see what I can manage to do with dialogue. It’s probably going to be extremely dangerous, and the Freemasons will think that this is just a strategy for me to distract them. But I need to try. I think peace is the only way for us to manage to make this a better world.
Hope it goes well!