New Missions

Dear Vera,

I’ve been too busy to read any mail this week. As I had told you already, I am now working as a Priest of the Dark Lord, Assistant of the sub-Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America. This means that I have many more responsibilities, than before, and that I get to know a lot more about the world, and the inner workings of the company.

So, the other day I was in a meeting with my boss’ boss, because apparently the bird that attacked Lisa’s boss, that is, my current boss (who holds the position of sub-Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America), was some sort of sacred bird whose fiery tail pierced through his impure soul, mortally wounding him. This means that he is agonizing, and that I’ll probably have to take his position in the company when he dies (which is a bit of a pity, because that means I will never experience being the human sacrifice in the Dark Mass). I am currently already carrying out his work in practical effects, so that would only affect my salary and the perks I get from it, which is great!

Now, the other day, in that meeting I was telling you about, the Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America, High Priestess of the Dark Lord, explained that the Masons were advancing in their domination of the world, and that we needed to stop them. From what I understand, the Masons are a rival company whose interests oppose those of the Illuminati, and the High Priestess said that we need to stomp them, murder them, torture them and utterly shatter them.

The first objective in our fight against the Masons is to brainwash as many members of the president’s cabinet as possible. It would seem that previous brainwashing efforts were not strong enough, and that the Mason brainwashing is making the members of the cabinet behave in the erratic way in which they currently do. Our mission was to stabilize them and make them work in accordance to our company’s goals.

I was the one in charge of said mission, so the High Priestess’ personal assistant opened a portal for me to go to Washington. A few people from the company had already prepared meetings with the members of the cabinet for me to brainwash them, and so I headed to each and every one of them, fearing that my brainwashing abilities might not be on point for such a delicate mission.

What I found was… Weird. Like, they responded pretty easily to my brainwashing, and their new interests were back in line with those of the Illuminati, but they still behaved quite erratically, even when directed towards those goals. Upon further inspection I realized that the members of the cabinet had no cerebral activity, or any sort of brain, for that matter. Their skulls were just empty shells.

When I explained this to the High Priestess, she said that all politicians turn into clay golems over time, and that it was only normal to find that they had no brains. This apparently had something to do with some hex that a witch placed on all politicians a long time ago. I then asked her whether it would be more efficient to replace those human-golems which were weak and could be brainwashed by more robust golems that could not be brainwashed.

She seemed to like the idea, and that is what we have done! The High Priestess, who is called Christina, by the way, said that we could go really far with that kind of mentality! I am so happy that my efforts are being valued!

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well back at home. Give my regards to friends and family.

Jan

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