This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: or should I call you Azure Dragon now? I still don’t understand why you’ve fallen, but I guess there is not much to do now. I only have one thing to say: there is no forgiveness in the path ahead. Your only way out is death now.
Leo: I don’t know what you’re scheming, which worries me. You learnt how to be undetectable from the Spanish nuns, which was great, but the prospect of not knowing what you’re up to right now is terrifying. I hope you are not getting into trouble.
Virgo: good job, I think it was very romantic of you to build the airport just for her. Now just let Joana and Amanda do things their way. Trust me. They know what they are doing and will do well.
Sagittarius: you bastard! How did you get the power to call the first of the four Cardinals?
Capricorn and Aquarius: it’s time to kick some ass, girls. Those aliens are going to get what they deserve from this terrifying duo. Trust me, you both will do some good for this town and for the rest of the universe by slaughtering the Confederacy of Extremely Politically Correct Sentient Beings and Non-Beings. They are going to get their butts hand over to them.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 42/687 of spontaneously turning into a pangolin this week. Also, go to meeting room 327.57B. You will be given orders there.