This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you went and killed her. I told you not to do that! Now the Police is following your trail. You can’t stay in the city, you need to go. Go!
Leo: OK, so it seems that the judge is finally going to be reasonable. I mean, they have no proof whatsoever that you stole those pyramids! You just traveled back in time!
Virgo: your girlfriend (I don’t know whether you consider each other a couple, or you have ‘no labels’ or what, so I’m going to stick with girlfriend for now) is going to need some space. Give her what she needs for a couple of days, but answer swiftly whenever she calls you.
Sagittarius: didn’t expect that, did you? You’ve been so concentrated on your Forbidden District experiments that you did not notice the blow that was coming. Serves you right, bitch.
Capricorn: I think you’re making progress. They see you as a silent and direct person, someone who takes the appropriate action without fretting. Nice. About your trial, the prosecutors cannot access the Arc, so they can only see the door. That’s good, but doesn’t solve the problem. We will think about something.
Aquarius: your trial keeps getting delayed as the Police looks for the corpse, which apparently got lost somewhere in the transport between your home and the Police Station. Whatever, let it be. If they have no corpse, then they will have to free you eventually.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 3/845 of spontaneously turning into a narwhal this week. Don’t worry, some of the other animals have built a giant pool for you using water from the Botomless Well.