Lynda’s easy magic potions: Resseno

OK, let’s face this: my sister is, like, the worst bitch ever. I had my boyfriend Rod take her to prison for letting all of my potions and make up supplies be destroyed, and do you know what she did? You won’t believe what that bitch did, it’s like, OMG, the fucking worst. She fucking managed to get out of prison.

I think it’s, like, so disrespectful to society that a fashion criminal like my own sister should be free. It’s VERY IRRESPONSIBLE to let a person who actively let some super important make up get destroyed free to go wherever they want to. Like, she could go around letting more super essential make up and potions get destroyed, what person in their right mind would want that?

And, you know, there are some haters out there who are just jealous of my looks. They are just, like, ugly people. Old people too. They say that people who use make up and potions are fake, but, like, if they were, why would anybody use them? Like, hello? Looking like a hottie is, like, the most important thing to be able to get a man, and also to get other hot people’s approval, which are, like, the two most important things for a young woman like myself.

Because of this, and against what my editor and publisher’s opinion (like, whatever, I don’t care about their opinions), I have decided to focus this section on beauty products only. I think this town needs some goddamn beauty standard vigilante, and I’ll be the one to take up that spot.

And today, I’m going to talk about Resseno. This is a potion that can be used to those extra-skinny legs that you’ve always wanted. And when I say extra-skinny, I mean, like, so skinny that you will barely be able to stand up – which is how skinny they should be, if you ask me.

So, basically, you will need the following ingredients:

  • A brain sample from an Alzheimer’s disease patient.
  • A blood sacrifice from an ugly virgin.
  • Sulfuric acid, the higher the concentration, the skinnier your legs will be.
  • An olivine.

This one is a bit hard. I mean, if you have a neighbour that is, like, a loser nerd of rocks and stuff you can probably kill them as the blood sacrifice – no nerd was ever hot -, and also get the sulfuric acid and the olivine from them. I did that, but, you might not be as lucky. Well, getting those is your problem, you filthy bitch.

You take the blood sacrifice and mix it with sulfuric acid, all while heating the whole thing, like, a lot. When the whole things has boiled, you pour the liquid over the olivine, which will start to glow. Now is when you need the brain sample from the Alzheimer’s disease patient.

There are several ways of obtaining that, but none of them is easy. The Alzheimer’s patient needs to be alive. So what I did was I opened a patient’s skull with a hammer and took it away, and then, like, smashed the brain with the glowing olivine for, like, 10 minutes. The patient died, but who cares.

You then have to swallow the whole thing and wait. This is extremely important, but you cannot vomit. You’ve been warned. With that, you will have the perfect legs!


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