This week in the news:
Town Hall takes off to space in surprising turn of events
Let us start this, the way the Spanish say it, speaking in silver:
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Town Hall was surrounded by the citizens day and night, protesting during the day and taking turns to guard the building during the night – which is not very difficult because the lighting problem of the town was solved back in the Apocalypse with all of the glowing crosses that appeared in town -, with the objective of taking down the Council and asking for the freedom of the political prisoners of this town.
The protests had intensified during the week, and several citizens sent fireworks against the building in an attempt to harass the Council into opening up the building, to no avail. Last night, however, ANUS members organized a raid on Town Hall without the use of magic means, and almost succeeded to climb into the building without alerting anyone.
When Greg Ferguson, leader of ANUS and editor of this newspaper had almost climbed into one of the windows, he met Doris Waters, who was apparently in the Town Hall. She panicked and started a fuss hat woke the Council, who put on all alarm systems of the building. All entrances sealed completely, throwing Greg Ferguson and most of the ANUS members down the building, where they met their deaths – none of the magic users did anything to save them, and to be fair, nobody in this newspaper blames them. Greg Ferguson and the ANUS people were assholes. Rita Saez survived, though. There’s always some moron who miraculously survives.
The security systems, however, were apparently something else, because a couple of minutes after the building was sealed it took off towards space, and is now headed out of the solar system at high speed. Where there used to be Town Hall there is now just a crater, with a giant inscription that can be read clearly from the edge of the crater. It says:
Joke’s on you, like I would let you go without doing a thing.
It would seem like Diane Vines, oracle of town, did not choose a building of the future as a Town Hall, but a spaceship from the future – actually, that would explain why it was so impossible to describe in physiological terms, because spaceships are hard to describe already -, probably as part of a joke against someone, though there is no way to know who this someone might be.
So, yeah, Town Hall and the Council are in outer space now. We have mixed feelings about the fact that this was all a joke from about 130 years ago, but we are all elated that the Council and Doris Waters problems seem to be solved by this. Also, ANUS won’t be an inconvenience anymore, so we’ve got that going for us.
Bloody Harpies turn the desert red with blood
The first concert of the autumn concert season has been a success. The desert was covered in blood from the fans who went to the concert to witness a literally mind-blowing show. According to a video that was recorded – the cameraman who recorded the concert also died -, the skulls of the fans blew up producing rains of blood, bone and brains that covered the other fans, and soon the mosh pit was full of corpses.
At one point, the lead singer took a fan to the stage, where his had exploded, and all of the band members took his skull and drank the blood from it. It was the most brutal show of metal and gore, a savage act of violence in which thousands of people from all over the world died while having the time of their lives.
You can only ask this much from a veteran metal band like the Bloody Harpies. This has been rated one of the best metal concerts of all time.