This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: the Police is not the only one that is looking for you. The officers are your least concern right now, they won’t recognize you after that disastrous surgery. Someone is looking for you, and their intentions are no good at all. Stay on the move, or else you will be found.
Leo: I’m panicking right now. They know that you time traveled to Ancient Egypt, and now are blaming you for the abduction of Walter Simmons’ pyramids. They are mad! Anyway, you will have company, Mamma Luca and others will be there with you.
Virgo: good job ending the Bloody Christmas 1999 – Dark Magic still gives me the shivers, though -, and protecting town from monsters, while killing that asphyxiating plant in the process. But now you and your girlfriend (I mean, I’m calling her girlfriend, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe you are one of those modern couples that are just ‘seeing someone’, I don’t know. You tell me) are both in prison for killing Doris Waters. But she is alive! What’s going on?
Libra: I told you not to organize that barbecue! Are you stupid, or what? Actually, you are dead now, so I guess it’s pointless to keep writing this.
Sagittarius: ha! Town is protected now. They might have been arrested, but this is not the end.
Capricorn: didn’t you get rid of the lawyers that were meddling in town affairs? Well, whatever. You are in prison for illegal construction of an underground city now. At least they have no access to the Arch. You will meet some people in the prison. Talk to them. I’m being extremely serious. Go talk to them.
Aquarius: OK, so this one is my fault. I told you to kill your mother in law, and now you are in prison. We will work this out.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 17/124 of spontaneously turning into a lynx this week. Good to know that the numbers of an endangered species are going up again.