This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: look, I’m just trying to help you get your shit together. You have power and talent, you don’t need to use it for evil. You can use it for something good. Stay at home this week, and do not open the blinds at all. Just don’t. Whatever happens, do not come out.
Leo: in the end everything was solved. You should spend some time with the nuns, they will teach useful stuff. This week is going to be pretty bad, but you should not be the one to solve all of the town’s problems. Use the time to relax.
Virgo: maybe after all of this time you should take that girl from the library to a date, because, you know, it’s been a while since your last one. Bloody Christmas 1999 is going to be back, so maybe you should solve the whole issue quickly and then take her on a weekend trip or something.
Libra: I know you’ve been itching for that barbecue for all of this time, but believe me, town is going to go red with blood this week, and you risk your life by existing. I repeat, don’t organize a barbecue this week.
Sagittarius: how in the world did you manage to take over the Akelarre? Just, how? I was vigilant all of this time, and the witches are not a force of evil!
Capricorn: what the shit, man? Don’t give me those lame excuses. Your underground bunker was supposed to protect the citizens of town in a time of crisis! Why did you not open the Arch? Just… Whatever, you always do whatever you want to do. The world needs you. Be careful with the witches, though. They might try to take over the Arch.
Aquarius: I recommend you just spend the week in Sloan’s AC Solutions. Bloody Christmas 1999 is going to be back. Don’t sweat, you’ve already been through a lot of stress. Take supplies for 10 ten days with you, including books. I think you should read some more science fiction. Try Dune, or maybe Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 48/1565 of spontaneously turning into a koala this week. Considering your diet will now consist mostly of leaves of the eucalyptus tree, and that you live in the middle of the desert, I would dare to say that you are pretty much fucked. There is always hope, however, and luckily there are eucalyptus trees in the wild illegal jungle that the witches have grown in the Forbidden District. You will see the appointment of the new High Witch, and you will be terrified. Don’t panic, and don’t give yourself away. We will need any intelligence that you can gather.