This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you look like Michael Jackson. And no, that’s not a compliment. You should definitely sue that plastic surgeon of yours.
Leo: take a break from charging up and go to the Orchard for a refreshing lemon juice. You will find the nuns there, and you might even be able to talk to them. They do have some very interesting conversation.
Virgo & Aquarius: thanks for collaborating with the killing of those moths, the underground is now a safer place. But you should escape now, the monster that is following you is no good. You might be able to find a safe place if you go down a few more levels.
Libra: maybe it’s not the best time for a barbecue, as your neighbours might be a bit sensitive about any sort of heat. Also, smoke inside a tunnel might not be the best of ideas.
Sagittarius: weirdly enough, I cannot see you at all. Where have you hidden, you little piece of shit?
Capricorn: I know that you are an introvert and would rather read books in silence than look for those people, and I know that they are going to complain endlessly and be cunts about the fact that you have saved them. But please, please, at least open the Arch. The future depends on you.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 13/112 of spontaneously turning into a jackalope this week. Not only will you be a mythological creature, but also you will be accepted in the horned-animals club. Looks like a nice week for you.