It’s almost been a month since the last horoscope! I hope you’ve missed this section! There’s been so much going on during this time in Fiery Creek that there are now only 8 horoscopes left! This is going to make the horoscope a lot shorter from now on.
This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you somehow managed to escape certain death during the Apocalypse. I think you should take this as a signal that heaven is sending you – you have been given another opportunity. That’s more than most people get! Anyway, you should avoid the tunnels for the time being. I know that they are safer than any house, but if you go there, they will recognize you. Consider plastic surgery to change your facial structure.
Leo: good job at the Apocalypse, and well done magically sealing those holes in the tunnels from the heat! Now, however, you should come out of the tunnels and go out into the sun. I know you want to look as normal as possible, but your absorption of energy from nature includes solar energy. You will need to store as much of it as you can for later.
Virgo: I also have to congratulate you for your work at the Apocalypse, as it was instrumental to bring everything back to normal. Now you should concentrate on survival. You should descend at least ten levels down the tunnels. Under no circumstances should you take any right turns, they are deadly and should always be avoided.
Libra: the Apocalypse and the fact that it was solved through magic has stopped the people from ANUS for a while, and the heat will make them worry about other stuff, instead of harassing you. That, however, doesn’t mean that you should camp with them in the tunnels. They are assholes and will take any chance they have to make you suffer.
Sagittarius: as you can see, they managed with the Apocalypse just fine. Don’t think that you have the upper hand in this battle. I am targeting you.
Capricorn: I am amazed at your ability to not come out of that underground lair in a month and not know anything about the Apocalypse. I think now is the right time to start bringing people to your underground city, as the heat outside is growing by the second. It’s already gone over 300ºC, and this is just the start. Find the people in the tunnels.
Aquarius: you are going to need to go into the darkness to find a safe place in the cavern. Don’t let your fears and the shock of the recent attack stop you. You did a great job at the Apocalypse, this is a piece of cake in comparison! You can do it!
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 13/92 of spontaneously turning into an ibex this week. This may sound pretty cool, but the horns may be almost a metre long, which can be an inconvenience. You will, however, get amazing climbing skills.