This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you have managed to survive for a week. Not bad. You will try to escape the prison, but your plan will fail, as you will be banned from any single activity in which you might get anything that you might, in any sort of way, use as a weapon. In fact, you won’t be eating any solid food for quite a while, as the local authorities will wisely think it safer to have you on liquids, which you can drink directly from a tube, without giving you a spoon, a fork or a knife. The other inmates are going to start calling you ‘the human hamster’.
Taurus: why would you wear white clothes to the photoshoot? I told you that was a bad idea. Your fashion choices will be limited to orange now, because you are going to be prosecuted and taken to prison. Luckily, your fellow inmates already have someone else to pick on, ‘Mr Frosty’, also known as ‘the human hamster’. You should definitely mock him too, but don’t get anywhere near him, or he will kill you.
Gemini: you are trying to recall who you were, but it’s becoming more and more difficult to retain the memories from the time in which you were human. The ritual that was carried out to transform you also included incantations to transform your mind into that of a snake. You will forget where you used to leave, and hold only onto your name.
Cancer: you have fallen into the madness of the Fiery Creek General Hospital. The distortion of space and time, the madness inside, the unimaginable horrors and otherworldly beasts are going to drive you crazy. You need to find a way to get back outside. Doris Waters and a few others managed to get out, so there must be some sort of escape route. Sometimes it’s better to not see, to avoid getting scarred. Also, you will hear other ‘victims’ calling for help. It’s a trap.
Leo: being a woman has always been quite difficult, but there is nothing that a gun and some magic cannot solve. You will be known as the White Tigress, and a myth of your constant return will become popular in Asia as you travel through time to meet the masters of all Asian martial arts and philosophies. The Chinese are going to be particularly harsh, so you will need to be harder on them than on the others. Next stop: Japan!
Virgo and Aquarius: it took you quite a bit, you two have finally found each other, and are on the right path to get to the Celestial Sword. Remember not to look in the range of (ρ, φ, z) = (4-5m, 45-57º, 3-5m), given that you are a set of mobile cylindrical coordinates, where (ρ, φ, z) = (0m, 0º, 0m) is a point that is defined by the intersection of the floor plane with your plane of symmetry, and is right below your centre of mass. It will still kill you both if you do. You will find a chamber full of energy from a thermonuclear fusion explosion. It might be a lot easier to get to the sword if you can harness all of this energy that has been frozen in a constant time field. Don’t mind destroying the Registry of Lost and Found, it’s just a bunch of shambles, and the Celestial Sword can take more than what you are going to throw at it.
Libra: good, you got a few of them killed. Not enough of them, though. That group is somehow growing by the day, and their organization is getting more and more complex. It’s unlikely that legal action will manage to disband them. Maybe move out of town for some time?
Sagittarius: you can make it as hard as you want to, but there is always a flaw to whichever magic is being used. I will find it. Be sure of that. And then everyone will know.
Capricorn: wow, that was efficient. I mean, I think the Russians are going to miss all of those seeds you stole from that place in Siberia, so you should make sure to lie low. Starting to grow some of these plants in artificial conditions in the underground might be a good idea. Also, did you know that you can get quite a lot of energy from the dissipation of heat from Hell? Maybe you can use that.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 45/2455 of spontaneously turning into a newt, also known as eft in Middle English and efte in Old English, this week. Now that you are an amphibian you will need to look for water, but you will compete with alligators for that.