Last week we answered a frequently asked question, and a lot of people gave us a positive feedback on the article. In fact, one of our readers gave us a gift: a brick thrown from one of our windows with a note that read: ‘Why the fuck would you promote those nuns that come to steal jobs from Americans! You are a bunch of traitors and should be judged for promoting the weakening of the American nation!”. The note was more like a 300 page essay on why immigrants, time travellers, immigrant time travellers and time traveller immigrants should be banned from present day America. We would like to thank whomever smashed this magnificent present through our window.
This week, another of our readers asked: where do Fiery Creek citizens go to escape from the heat in the scorching heat of the summer?
There are several different responses to this question. The affluent of Fiery Creek like to go to Barbados, where the Town Council goes on vacation. This destination is perfect to die at the tentacles of some vicious sea monster, or some Mayor gone crazy.
Those who like speleology like to descend into the underground tunnels that plague the town and are responsible for the collapse of at least one building every month. The temperature down there is quite constant, but a lot of people don’t feel it’s a very summer-like destination. I mean, it’s not like you can brag to your neighbours with some photos taken in the darkness under town, right?
Thus, the only option that is left is the Fiery Creek Municipal Swimming Pool. That’s the kind of destination that you can still brag about when you are on a budget for your holiday. The Fiery Creek Municipal Swimming Pool has everything that you could wish for in a popular holiday destination: no parking space, endless queues, overpriced ice cream and snack stalls, absolutely no free water fountains, barely any space for you and your relatives, a malfunctioning toilet, rude Chinese tourists, polite Japanese tourists, loud Mediterranean tourists who are cooking their own delicious food that makes you look at your sandwiches and question your life choices, sunburnt Scandinavian tourists that are definitely going to develop skin cancer, angry old men complaining about everything and everyone, and, of course, teenagers taking selfies absolutely everywhere. Also, have I mentioned British tourists wearing ridiculous outfits? There are also a few of them, but it’s difficult to distinguish them from the Scandinavians, because they also like to get skin cancer (they do, however, complain about everyone’s English).
So, imagine you have decided to go to the Municipal Swimming Pool. The next morning, you get up at 5 AM to be at the pool by 6 AM. You think that, this way, you will avoid the queues that always form in the entrance to the Swimming Pool. There is, however, one problem to this way of thinking: everyone, and I mean, literally everyone has the same mindset as you do. But with a slight variation: unlike yourself, some people are willing to sacrifice their sleep, comfort and souls in order to be there first. So, whatever time you arrive, the queue will already be enough to put off anyone with a smudge of sanity left in their minds.
But you are not one of those people. You have been possessed by the summer holiday craze that makes you wait right there for the Swimming Pool to open at 9 AM – it’s the summer so, obviously, the swimming pool opens later than usual -, with all of the consequences. The first two hours are sort of OK, but the last one is complete agony. You wonder why you didn’t force any breakfast into your stomach at 5 AM, and end up eating your lunch at 8:30 AM. Yes, sure, you say that you will resist, that you are going to be alright. Then it will be just a small munch, then just half of it, and you will leave the other half in your backpack. For five minutes, that is. You will lie to yourself, saying that the food inside the Swimming Pool cannot be that expensive.
Once the Swimming Pool is finally open, you will still need to queue for about 90 minutes, as all of the foreign tourists who don’t speak English are in the very front of the line, and they are creating a huge fuss. Then an old man will jump over the whole queue, stating that “he is in a hurry”. He is 76 and actually has nothing to do – his life consists of waiting for Death to come, literally -, but he will play the ‘fray old man’ character to get in first. And don’t you dare say anything to him, you insensitive, rude bastard who has absolutely no respect for the elderly, and should’ve been beaten more to learn respect in your childhood. The old man will get away with anything that he wants to, and you can only watch powerlessly.
You will finally make it to the Swimming Pool somehow, only to find out that there is no changing room space, or any spare lockers whatsoever. You will then walk outside and find that all of the spots near the outside pool have been taken, and you will have to walk 10 minutes into the grounds of the Swimming Pool until you find a patch big enough to fit everyone inside.
Even in these conditions, you will somehow manage to enjoy your day there. Except for lunch time, that is. That is going to be a painful reminder of how expensive food in holiday resorts is.