This week in the news:
Mural Painting Serial Killer arrested
The infamous Mural Painting Serial Killer got arrested this Friday in a heroic action led by Vee, town hero and the favourite mayoral candidate according to some polls that we have actually carried out. This means that the murderer that had terrorised the town with his gorgeous murals will not be able to act anymore, and he will be tried for his crimes.
According to what Vee himself declared to this newspaper, he was on a date when him and whichever lucky girl has had the honour of going on a date with our beloved hero stumbled upon the Mural Painting Serial Killer, red handed with paint and blood of his victims, as he created a beautiful new mural in the Farmer’s Market. The serial killer attacked them both, but Vee was quick to draw his sword and fight back. Vee fought bravely against the might of the killer, and managed to land a decisive blow. His date then froze the killer in a block of ice.
Town Council officials took the block of ice to prison, congratulating themselves on their ‘heroic actions’. There were some initial announcements from Town Council about celebrating the event in a medal giving ceremony in which they would give themselves some medals. The townspeople, however, reacted violently in social media against said idea – some comments even read stuff like “The Council is full of SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, which was very hurtful to the Council members -, and so the ceremony was called off later that same evening.
With this, in a historic first poll ever conducted in this town, 71.33% of the respondents stated that they would vote for Vee in the upcoming mayoral elections, and a 77.63% of the respondents agreed that the Town Council should stop vetoing Vee’s nomination. This comes with mixed reviews about the need of Town Council in town, with a 47.32% of the polled citizens stating that “the Town Council is an archaic construct that only hinders the normal functioning of town and benefits a select few that happen to be chosen by a corrupt and undemocratic system that should be abolished”.
When pressed for comments, the Council has refused to accept that they have suffered a sharp decline on their popularity, stating that “the citizens need us”, “the other day a woman in a wheelchair came to thank us for our service” and “we are a necessary part of the town”. While the first and last remarks are quite debatable, the second one refers to Amelia Beyer, who has been part of the Council for the last 22 years.
Giant black mamba spotted in town
There have been several reports of a giant black mamba appearing in town. Apparently, several citizens have reported sighting a snake 15 metres long running around town, following several smaller black mambas. This seems to be related to the black mamba gang that formed in the Spring Fair, when a bunch of black mambas managed to escape their crates and crawl into town.
There have been no pictures to confirm this, though. We sent our intern Paul in a suicide mission to meet Neighbourhood Watch founder Doris Waters to ask whether her surveillance system had caught any images of such a large snake crawling in formation with several other snakes, but, in short, the answer that Doris transmitted to Paul was that, since the wicked Solstice happened, her security system got wiped out by some powerful magic, and since the Town Council is still rebuilding her house, she has not been able to set up the system again. Paul did not survive this mission. We send our condolences to his family.
It is difficult to know whether this snake actually exists or not. Maybe the corpse that appeared yesterday with giant snake bites might be proof that the black mamba gang is expanding its army and has a giant among its ranks, but it is not conclusive, as the forensic evidence still needs to prove these claims. For the moment, however, caution is advised, specially when being approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Presidential candidates confirmed by their party congresses
Satan and Freddie Kruger have been confirmed by the Dark Arts for Tyranny Party Congress and the Dark Arts for Massacre Party Congress. This means that the two candidates will face each other in the presidential elections that will take place later this year.
Satan has obtained the confirmation with an unanimous vote, even his direct rival during the primaries, the Dark Warlock, has supported Satan as a candidate for the presidency of this country. There are sceptics that say that this had been staged, and that the Dark Warlock was the candidate of the people, while Satan was the candidate for the Party. Some Dark Arts for Tyranny voices have stated that the people who say these things are just sulking, that they are “sore losers” and that they should “STFU”.
Meanwhile, the Dark Arts for Massacre Party stays divided even after Mr Kruger’s win, as the Horseman of War and his supporters do not want to have him as president. Freddie Kruger, however, has not asked for unity, and is currently haunting everyone’s worst nightmares worldwide.