This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: well, that’s what you get for continuing your murderous activities. You are not going to rot in prison, I can see that far into the future, which, if I’m 100% honest with you, is quite a shame. Your fellow inmates will call you Mr Frosty – I mean, you did arrive to the prison inside a block of ice, and you had to get thawed -, and every attempt to get them to say your true name will fail. Also, don’t go to the showers – or to any public, open space, really -, as the inmates still remember what you did to those orphans – they get their newspapers with a lag of about a week.
Taurus: don’t wear white clothes to that photoshoot. Yes, I know, they say that a white suit goes well with black skin – but damn are you black. You are so black that the contrast of the image will be too much if you are wearing a white suit and the camera will explode in the photographer’s face, scarring him for life and creating a bloody show for everyone to see.
Gemini: you are now officially part of the black mamba gang, and you have been transformed into a gigantic black mamba. You are a 15 metre long snake, roaming the city with its gang, terrorizing the citizens wherever you go. You can also collaborate with the other black mambas in a complex maneuver by which you all take the form of a Jehovah’s Witness. Please, don’t lose yourself into this identity. It’s extremely important that you remember that you are a human being. Don’t let go. The future of this town depends on it.
Cancer: the week of silence has ended. Now is when the test continues. It’s not any harder than before, exactly the same things are going to happen. You will appear in the grounds of the Fiery Creek General Hospital again, the call hammering into your mind. But you know why this part is harder? Because this week you’ve grown complacent. You haven’t prepared yourself, you have just taken some rest. It pains me to say this, but you will answer the call. Please, try to resist. Don’t go into the Hospital.
Leo: water bending, Ancient Greek Philosophy, and now you are travelling to the Orient to learn their Martial Arts. Have you considered coming back for work? No? Fine, I guess. You will have to stop detour through Al-Andalus in its scientific, artistic and philosophic height. Definitely worth stopping there, even though it might not seem interesting at first. Learning how to kick and punch can wait a bit.
Virgo: well done! The date was a success, and you both captured the Mural Painting Serial Killer! Both John Fier and Erin Pyp were positively impressed, but don’t let your guard down. Mamma Luca and Ba’al have yet to give their approval. On the other hand, your popularity for Mayor will be off the charts. Also, could you possibly go take a look at the Registry of Lost and Found? Someone needs help there.
Libra: look, just get a hitman. Really. These ANUS people are just – if you will excuse my language – a bunch of assholes. Get them all killed, that’s the only solution I personally see.
Sagittarius: I know what’s going on. I have clarity now. And I will make sure to expose you.
Capricorn: you see? I told you one of your children might be a lawyer in disguise! Thank God you had that gun at hand to shoot him immediately! OK, now that the lawyer threat has been temporarily neutralized, make sure you start to get seeds. Get as many seeds as you can. You need a few hundred/a few thousand per plant. I will send you the details in the mail.
Aquarius: well, shit. You were almost there, and then some magic force had to shake reality. I’ve sent some help for you. You can still obtain the sword, but you need to concentrate. Also, don’t look up in the following range of (ρ, φ, z) = (4-5m, 45-57º, 3-5m), given that you are a set of mobile cylindrical coordinates, where (ρ, φ, z) = (0m, 0º, 0m) is a point that is defined by the intersection of the floor plane with your plane of symmetry, and is right below your centre of mass. Remember, don’t look up there. It will definitely kill you.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 7/23 of spontaneously turning into a drake this week. So yeah, if you are a woman, not only will you turn into a duck, but also into a male duck. Good luck explaining to friends and family how you are trans-species and trans-gender now.