Lynda’s easy magic potions: Azelyte

Welcome, one more time, to Lynda’s easy magic potions, where I teach you guys how to make easy and fun potions! I am going to use this space to make a statement. Last month I could not make an article for this magazine because I was sick, and so my editor asked my sister whether she would write something. And you know what? Apparently she was very popular among readers and now that bitch is getting her own monthly articles. I just cannot believe this. I was the one who wrote articles for this magazine, OK? She has no right to do this to me. She is just one of those butch manly feminists who think they are better than us because they don’t use any make up. What a bitch.

I’m sorry about that, I just had to write it. I also want to say that I really appreciate your loyalty and loved your support for this section. Anyway, let’s get to potion making, shall we? As I promised, this one is going to be a bit of a challenge, but don’t worry – with some tricks that I will show you, it’s going to super easy.

Today’s potion is Azelyte. This one is not very well known, so let me just tell you what it does (you are just going to love it!). So the idea is that, when you need to put on the make up, sometimes you might be unsure of what the right combination of colours is for you, am I right? I have struggled so much trying to get the right foundation colour for my skin, and that’s just the beginning of my make up routine! Azelyte is a potion that you apply over your make up and it corrects the colours so that it suits your skin and face. I know, right? It’s like my dream come true!

It’s rumoured that famous people have been using this potion for the last like 90 years. Apparently its usage was not very widespread until Marilyn Monroe popularized it, and O.M.G., did she look gorgeous. She is one of my idols (despite my sister saying that I shouldn’t have a drug addict as my idol, but whatever, like, what does she know?), and I always try to get a look that resembles her. Thanks to Azelyte, it looks so much better on me! Have I convinced you of its potential? Let’s get started with it!

The ingredients are pretty common. You are going to need:

  • Dragon blood, harvested under a Crescent Moon.
  • A bit of cocoa powder. Results vary according to which cocoa you choose, you should experiment to see which one works for best for you!
  • A bone from one of your direct ancestors who lived at least 300 years before you.
  • A part of yourself, the more important the part you put, the better results you obtain. For optimal results, use a piece of brain or heart.

Macerate your ancestor’s bone in the dragon blood. The bone has to break into exactly three pieces. If it breaks into two or four pieces, you will need to start again with another bone, and if none of the bones from that ancestor work, you may need to get bones from another ancestor. Be careful to check whether there are small pieces of bone in the blood, you should separate the bone from the blood and examine the mixture.

Once you have the bone in three pieces, you have to put it back in the dragon blood and wait until it dissolves completely. Some people say it doesn’t matter whether the bone breaks into three pieces or not, because it’s going to dissolve in the blood anyway, but I am superstitious to believe that the number three has no significance, because 3 is a sacred number and should always be taken into account.

Once the bone has been dissolved into the blood, you need to pray to a God you don’t believe in. This sounds tricky, because the moment you pray to  God to make a potion it would seem that you are looking for some divine guidance. But believe me, this prayer serves no purpose, like half the steps for this potion, so whatever God you decide to pray for will not affect the potion-making whatsoever.

The next step is to add whichever part you have decided to remove from your own body. I took my heart and threw it into the pot, just like that, with some blood, and it went all red! You then just turn it exactly pi times clockwise, and then you add the cocoa and mix one turn clockwise, one counter-clockwise, one clockwise, one clockwise, one counter-clockwise, one clockwise, and follow that sequence until it looks right.

You can then just apply it to your own face! With this, you are just going to look divine!

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