This week in the news:
Warthog and hedgehog march for civil rights of animals disrupted by violent mob of cats
The march for civil rights that warthogs and hedgehogs of the town had organized for this Saturday got disrupted yesterday by a mob of violent cats. The cats appeared in front of the marching mammals when they were in the intersection between Sinno street and Pattu street, in the Petunia district, next to the Fier family bar.
The warthogs and hedgehogs were asking for cat and dog authorities to consider the civil rights of other, minority, animal groups that are also part of the community. This is a problem that already existed in town, but it is more relevant than ever now that animal populations have started to grow due to spontaneous transformations of the citizens of the town. Dogs and cats, who have just agreed peace, have still failed to acknowledge these minority groups.
The group of cats, which is suspected may be associated to Tabby Whiskers, appeared with banners that displayed xenobiophobic messages, such as “Strangers go home”, “Give back what is ours” and “You don’t belong here”. The marching hedgehogs and warthogs tried to confront this group peacefully, but when addressed, the mob of cats responded violently. The animal police force had to intervene and several wounded animals had to be treated. Two suspects have been arrested accused for organizing the violent protest, and several others are being investigated to see who attacked the hedgehogs and the warthogs.
Rex, president elect of the dogs, made a statement in which he harshly condemned the attack, reassuring dogs that it was unacceptable and that such acts would be punished strictly. On the other hand, Mittens, leader supreme of the cats, assured that Rex and him would start a forum to negotiate civil rights with other species and asked for them to elect representatives. While these statements have had good approval ratings in the dog communities and with all of the minorities, the cat community stands divided.
74 orphans dead in infamous “Mural Painter” serial killer attack
The Fiery Creek Orphanage has been the victim of an attack by the Mural Painter. All of the orphans and their caretakers have been found dead in a massacre that has been called “the bloodiest in the last few weeks”, while the walls of the institution were decorated with gorgeous murals.
The Mural Painter serial killer, who is thought to be related to the Knitting Massacre that happened a few weeks ago, has been active in the last couple of weeks, with a body count that goes over a hundred already. The perpetrator of these crimes kills its victims while he works on his murals, right in front of everyone, in the open air.
This time, the victims have been the orphans of Fiery Creek, who were happy to see a man decorate the otherwise bleak building with his brush. They didn’t, however, expect this person to be one of the deadliest murderer that Fiery Creek has known. All of the children died without any opportunity to save them. There were no survivors, and no cameras have caught sight of the murderer, thus he cannot be identified.
Caution is advised. The Town Council asks for all mural painting activities to stop until the murderer has been stopped. Any sort of mural painting will be punished harshly, and if such activity is witnessed, please report to Town Council and stay away, as this person might be the Mural Painting serial killer.
Protesters gather in front of the Kulmala family house
Several protesters have been gathering in front of the Kulmala family house ever since the Solstice. These citizens demand to know what the involvement of Liza and Mikloz Kulmala was in the events that unfolded during that day that lasted for over a week, as they were unaffected by the witches’ magic.
The Kulamalas have complained about the protesters, stating that “they are dangerous for their children” and that “some of them have started to act increasingly violently”. They deny any sort of involvement with the witches, and ask for these people to let them live a normal life, as they had been doing up until that event.
They have accused this newspaper of accusing them of being involved with the witches against the best interest of the town, and also of promoting hate speech against immigrants and magic users. This newspaper, though a supporter of ANUS, denies any such acts, claiming that the accusations make no sense at all – I mean, have you read the first sentence of this paragraph? Read it again, and you will see that it makes no sense! (It actually does, but we cannot afford a lawsuit).