This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you are a sick bastard. You know you didn’t have to paint that mural in that orphanage. And no, it wasn’t self defence. We all saw it. You were chasing those poor orphans with your painting brush. Luckily, this week you are going to be stopped in your criminal actions. The romantic duo everyone is trying to pair up will manage to stop you while you start one of your sick mural paintings near Fiery Creek Farmer’s Market. I mean, the murals are nice, but do you really have to kill people while making them?
Taurus: you will be wearing your hospital apron for the whole week after last week’s heatstroke. It’s quite lame, if you ask me. No fashion sense at all. Also, nobody cares about your heatstroke. Get over it.
Gemini: you lost your left arm in your battle against the lawnmowers, but still somehow managed to bring your own lawnmower’s corpse back to the black mamba gang. You have passed the initiation rite, and now that you’ve lost an arm, you are more black mamba-like. Your black mamba gang boss will propose a full body transformation. Don’t say a thing. It’s not a question, they are going to do it anyway.
Cancer: you have managed to stop yourself from answering the call of the Fiery Creek General Hospital for one more week. Well done. The calls will stop for this week, but don’t be fooled. This is just the eye of the storm. Get ready for real danger.
Leo: you will decide that roaming the desert for 40 years with the Ancient Jewish people does not feel very vacation-like, and decide to visit other Ancient Civilizations. You will bitch-slap Aristotle for his philosophical ideas about women that have reinforced sexism for quite some time after him.
Virgo: you will finally muster the courage to ask the girl out. Just so you know: her expectations are not all that high, she already thinks that you are a nice guy, and is willing to know you better. There are, however, quite a few people around her that are going to be watching you. Ba’al and Mamma Luca will both use their magic abilities to keep an eye on you, and Erin Pyp and John Fier will just “show up in the same place, what a coincidence”. As you walk through the Farmer’s Market you will meet the knitting/mural painting serial killer. Be ready to stop him, this will help you gain the girl’s extended family’s trust and the town’s approval as a candidate for Mayor.
Libra: some people who are vaguely related to ANUS will attack you so that the trial against them ends as soon as possible. This is quite a complicated situation: if you smash them with some magic ANUS will press charges against you, but if they manage to kill you, well, that’s it, really. Maybe wearing a go-pro and recording your self defence will help you in the trial.
Scorpio: OK, so you went and challenged Fan Dark. And not only did you get your ass handed over to you in just one attack, but also you managed to get yourself expelled from the Library. This is it. This is the last prediction I am going to make for you. You need to run away. The German children have become too much of a threat. They will destroy your house and go on a rampage. Run away and take your loved ones with you.
Sagittarius: I have gone to the very bottom of the prediction this time, just for a second. And I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it. Now I understand. But the knowledge horrifies me. Please don’t come back to the Library. I don’t want to make any more predictions for you. I beg you. Just let me be.
Capricorn: you will somehow manage to hide the underground lair from the lawyers that want to inspect whether the construction was fully legal. But stay alert, don’t trust anyone, not even your own children. They might be lawyers in disguise, too.
Aquarius: you will find a severed head in the distorted reality of the Registry of Lost and Found. Don’t touch it. Just get away from it very silently before it notices you, And, if it does notice you, just run like hell.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 4/59 of spontaneously turning into a badger this week. As you hunt alongside a bunch of coyotes, you will trace Its smell, and follow it to a Hidden Shrine. The Penguin will greet you.