Middle of the Desert Discs, 21/07/2016

In our endeavour to get to know our neighbours better, every month we ask a prominent citizen of the town to tell us what book they would take with them to the Middle of the Desert, apart from the complete works of Tolkien and Cervantes. This week we had intended to feature town hero Vee, who saved us from the Ancient Egyptians, but Neighbourhood Watch founder and sole member Doris Waters got on the way and we now have to include her answer because she has been stalking every single member of the team that works in this publication and is probably going to explode if she cannot read her own babble:

“That’s actually quite a difficult one to answer… I am not a very keen reader. I mean, a lot of those books give you ideas. And ideas are a bad thing if you want to keep a good neighbourhood. I don’t mean to say that all books are bad, in fact, Pride and Prejudice is a lovely novel when you read it superficially, without thinking at all and seeing it as the love story alone, without the context, or the critique to the state of the society of the author’s time, or all of that other stuff. But how can you know whether a book is going to give you ideas before reading it? It’s not like they are tagged or something! It’s all because publishers are an evil bunch that want to disrupt the good thoughtless American lifestyle. That’s why I have petitioned the Council to ban books from town. They tell me that they are trying their best, but that some powerful magic does not allow them to do so. I think this is some sort of conspiracy, because the other day I saw my 14-year-old niece Julia reading a book, “The Hungry Games” or something like that. I snatched the book from her and tried to burn it, and the book didn’t burn. Can you imagine? I think that…”

The journalist that had been caught in this trap somehow managed to escape at this point, which is the reason why the monologue was interrupted. The journalist has received medical treatment and is in a good physical state, but we cannot tell whether he will ever recover from the PTSD of this event.

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