Fiery Creek Public Service Announcements, 20/07/2016

The following Public Service Announcement has been made public by Town Council on the 20th July 2016. Its aim is to let citizens know that:

  1. We are pleased to announce that there has only been one valid candidate that has received a nomination to be a candidate for the elections for Fiery Creek Mayor. The candidate is ex-Town Council member William Sato. This means that the election is going to be pretty much straightforward and you only have the option of voting for him, so we will probably hold the election very soon just to seize power ASAP, and be able to spend tax money on caviar. Some citizens have complained that it’s just a waste of money to start an election if there is only going to be one Council-approved candidate. However, Mary Clark made sure that the election had to be held whatsoever, and if the election does not happen the power of the Mayor will never be bestowed upon William Sato, which means the Council won’t get its much desired caviar.
  2. We would like to ask citizens of the town to stop trying to get nominations for the election of Mayor. In particular, we would like to express our firm decision not to give town hero Vee a nomination for the election of Mayor, as he could not pass the utterly unreasonable conditions that we set to receive a nomination during the nomination period last week (which, as we would like to remind every citizen in town, lasted one whole half hour. Those were thirty minutes of grace given by the Council, more than is necessary for most things in life, except for going through airport security, performing any complex magic ritual, studying a PhD, reading a book, writing a book, praying for a long dead god, travelling through the Astral Plane of Suck…), and we refuse to give him one just on the grounds that “he has saved the town from the Ancient Egyptians” or that “he is far more competent than anyone who has worked in City Hall for the last century”. He is way too popular and could potentially ruin the Town Council’s plan to obtain absolute power of the town.
  3. There has been a lot of concern and even complaints from all of the animal protests that are taking place across town. First were the cats led by Tabby Whiskers, claiming that the peace agreement between cats and dogs is oppressive and should stop immediately. There were also trans-gator people campaigning for the rights of trans-gator and trans-reptile beings, following the online bashing that Jenn, from the post office, had suffered in several online forums. From what the Council knows, warthogs and hedgehogs are soon going to go on a march that will go through the whole town to fight for some civil rights that we don’t really care about. The Town Council only deals with human affairs, and none of your complaints about this topic of “animal population growing out of control” will ever be responded or considered. In fact, all of your mail will now be fed directly onto the incinerator that has recently been installed in the Town Hall. Deal with it.
  4. Last but not least, we would like to know if there is any botany or horticulture expert who would be willing to do a small job for the Town Council. It’s nothing big, really, just some plant pruning and maintenance work that needs to be done. Experience in asphyxiating plants is a must, and it is preferable that the candidates do not have any family that will mourn their deaths or ask for any sort of economic compensation. Orphans welcome. The pay will be a negotiable amount between zero and nothing.
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