Weekly Fiery Creek,17/07/2016

This week in the news:

Readers complain that newspaper has turned into Editor’s propaganda machine, threaten to stop reading

Much as we would love to continue keeping the whole issue to do propaganda in favour of ANUS – maybe the word love does not express how obsessed we are with this topic at the Weekly Fiery Creek. We have, in fact, concentrated almost all of our workforce to the diffamation of magic and to spreading lies and fake propaganda -, many readers – like, 98% of you – have complained that this is not a newspaper anymore, but a propaganda leaflet, and have threatened to stop reading our newspaper if we continue to underreport town news.

Knowing that these citizens are just under the influence of magic users, the Editor issued a personal statement explaining that tghe fight against magic was a priority, and that underreporting these news “would be a crime” against society. He understood that other news would suffer from this, but he said that sometimes sacrifices are necessary to be able to right the wrongs that are not wrong, but right already, thus wronging some rights that are not wrong, and that this would be the newspaper’s cause from now on.

Seeing this, 87% of the readers of the Weekly Fiery Creek unsubscribed themselves 10 minutes after the statement was issued. The rest had not had time to read the Editor’s statement yet. This produced a massive reduction in the newspaper’s income, which meant that the management had to fire some staff. The Editor was forced by management to issue a second video statement in which he begged the readers to come back, to subscribe again, while crying and being whipped by an off-screen management.

Another victory for those damn magicians. But don’t worry, Fiery Creek. We will keep reporting.

Egyptians kicked out of town in heroic action

Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Khêops went on a rampage this Thursday. Saying that Walter Simmons was being unreasonable and that he did not deserve to get his pyramids back, because they had been bestowed upon the Egyptian people by their Gods, he declared war to the town, and his troops started to attack the city.

Most citizens of Fiery Creek just stayed idle, knowing that someone would solve the problem eventually, through the use of some powerful magic. Everyone looked for Mamma Luca, who happened to be out of town in a short holiday to visit Italy, which just strengthens the point that magic has never given us anything, as magic users cannot even be the heroes that save us from everything while we do nothing because we are bunch of lazy bastards that would rather depend on someone else and then blame it on them when something goes wrong.

The Pharaoh even burst into Town Council’s ceremony in which they were giving a prize to themselves, creating a chaotic situation in which a lot fo people were screaming but nothing really happened. The Town Council, however, was saved from being kidnapped or killed by the power of an army that came into the scene and chased the Egyptians away and back into their own time.

The army was heroically led by Vee, a citizen that has tried to obtain a nomination for town Mayor. The Town Council, who had unfairly denied him a nomination, tried to convince everyone that they had been the ones that had chased the Egyptians away, but let’s be honest: nobody believes a thing of what the Council says anymore. For this reason, from this newspaper we want urge the Town Council to give Vee a nomination to run for Mayor of the town, as we feel that it is time for a change in the politics of this town, and nobody is more appropriate to lead a change than a man who has misteriously appeared with an army and who can use the Dark Arts to chase an Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh and his troops back into their own time.

WANTED: Fan Dark

The director and the secretary of the Fiery Creek General School for Adults have identified a woman called Fan Dark as being the one who burnt Ms Paula Gwynn and destroyed the school. They have described the perpetrator of said acts as being a woman in her twenties, with long chestnut hair.

If you know a woman called Fan Dark that fulfills this description, please, report her to whichever authorities are still around. She is a dangerous individual and is said to carry a machete that can cut through anything and everything. Do not, by any means, approach her, or come into contact with her, and let the authorities handle her. Safety comes first.

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