This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: everytyhing will be fine with your painting. Wool levels will come back to normal in town – the citizens won’t be afraid of another knitting incident – and everything will seem fine while you practice at home. Then you will decide that you want to paint a mural to make the town look nicer. Luckily, the brush will not be as deadly as the knitting instruments, so the death count will be just below one hundred. Isn’t there any hobby that you can take in which you won’t kill anybody?
Taurus: you will think that you are very alternative, hipster, and cool by wearing a fur coat in the middle of the summer. You are none of those things. What you are is a complete retard. You will get a heatstroke and you will have to be rushed back home to get emergency treatment.
Gemini: you will receive your first mission as a part of the black mamba gang. Your objective: the remnants of the lawnmower gang that still control the street where your house is. They will ask for the dead body of your own lawnmower, just to show that you are loyal to them, and have left behind your past life. Get ready for a dangerous battle.
Cancer: each time you appear near the Fiery Creek General Hospital you appear nearer to it, and the voices calling you seem to be louder. This week you will appear inside the hospital grounds, but outside the building itself. The alluring call will be deafening, and the more you try to avoid, the stronger it will become. Hope you can resist the call.
Leo: you will move around space and time in Ancient Egypt, and you will somehow help free the Jewish from Egyptian tyranny. You will meet Moses in the process of doing so, and you will discover that, unlike his Egyptian counterparts, people from Ancient civilizations can be really nice. He will teach you his water bending abilities after he impresses you by dividing the sea in two.
Virgo: what’s going on between you and that girl? What was all of that, “let’s go inside the library together, it’s safer for both of us that way”? You may be able to hide your criminal activities from me using the Dark Arts, but this was so obvious. You have fallen for that girl, head over heels. Well, you can impress her by saving the town from the Egyptians this afternoon. Also, the girl seems to go to the Library every Friday, at around 10:00 AM. Just saying.
Libra: a mob of ANUS fanatics led by Greg Ferguson beat you up last week, in the name of a Nonmagical society. You will press charges against the association, its leader and its components. The trial will be quite long, and Greg Ferguson will focus part of his newspaper propaganda against you.
Scorpio: the German children will start to howl in the middle of the night, and nothing will shut them up. You will go to the library to try to discover what’s going on with them, and you will see that the girl who destroyed your school and burnt your secretary, Fan Dark, is there. You will challenge her to a fight and get obliterated. I told you last week already – and, surprisingly, you listened to me -, it’s a bad idea to try to get her down.
Sagittarius: and, apparently another week in which the prediction is so horrendous for you that I’m not even going to write it here. I mean, it does not even phase me anymore, it’s just that I’d rather respect readers that may be sensitive – like children, elder people and Liberal Arts Majors.
Capricorn: some copyright lawyers that are inspecting the town will somehow get to your underground lair that has been prepared to hold a whole town in case of dystopian destruction of the world. They will suspect that your building is not completely legal, and call some colleagues of theirs so that they study the case. You may have some legal problems.
Aquarius: you will somehow come up with a plan to destroy the German children, but you will need an object with incredible angelic powers to do so. You will remember that the Sword that destroyed Gomorra was in the Registry of Lost and Found, and you will sneak into the building. Be careful with the warped reality over there.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 1/22 of spontaneously turning into a hedgehog this week. Your loved ones will miss being able to touch your skin without prickling tyheir hands.