This week in the news:
Magic Scandal related to the Summer Solstice continues
This newspaper continues its campaign to stretch a non-existent issue until the public perception of it has nothing to do with the actual, real facts. This is why this is the first piece of news of this newspaper, and will continue to be until we find another subject with which we can annoy even more people.
So, let’s invent some news – I mean, it’s not like you need any real stuff, now that we live in a post-factual society: facts don’t matter anymore, and experts should not be trusted -, all with the purpose of having the public from a reasonable, fact-grounded position, to whatever whim the Chief Editor is currently having – or the opinion of whichever “private sponsor” pays for his holidays in the Maldives.
In that line, we are reporting that the Fiery Creek General School for Adults has been destroyed. We do not currently know who has done this or how this has actually happened, but we are going to blame this on the magic users of this town. Ba’al, Prince of Hell, was seen near the scene moments before the building collapsed into rubble, so we are going to hold him accountable (again, using the Post hoc, ergo propter hoc logical fallacy, which we love to use), even though we have no proof whatsoever that he was involved in this incident.
When we tried to force Ms Yvette Johnson, director of the school, to mention Ba’al in any way just to incriminate him, she kept repeating “It was all that girl, Ms Fan Dark. She set Paula on fire and destroyed the building”. We are going to assume that Ms Fan Dark is another member of the magical community, just to make our point that magicians are dangerous (quite the contrary, but nobody cares) and they have created all of the disasters of this town (we have no proof of this, but again, nobody cares) .
This news is expanded on in pages 1 through 50 and 52 through 75. The remaining page 51 contains some ANUS propaganda (again, all lies).
Negotiations over pyramid retrieval gone awry, says Walter Simmons
Walter Simmons, pyramid enthusiast, has declared this week that the negotiations with Ancient Egypt to retrieve the pyramids have come to a halt as the pharaoh has refused to give the pyramids back, and says that they will be using them for funerary purposes.
Khêops has apparently declared that Walter Simmons “does not have any proof to say that he built those pyramids”. In fact, continuing with his harsh criticism, he has added that “Such a feat could only be accomplished by the collaboration of a whole civilization working in harsh conditions or a God, and Mr Simmons is none of them”.
The pharaoh claims that these structures are a gift from the Egyptian God Pantheon and that, as such, they will keep the pyramids exactly where they have been left. Walter Simmons has not liked this answer and has tried to get his pyramid back by compensating the Ancient civilization giving them modern magic, technology and medicine, but the pharaoh has not given a response on what he considers of this offer.