This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you successfully defeated the man dressed as a bat – to be fair, I don’t know why people consider him such a big deal. He’s just a man. Stabbing him 37 times in the chest works wonders to kill him, as you already realized -, which means no more vigilantes to stop you from going on a rampage with your knitting. Hopefully, all of the wool of town will suddenly disappear, and you won’t be able to keep going with your murderous activities. How about you do something less aggresive, like painting?
Taurus: you think you can rock those skinny jeans, but, truth be told, jeans designed for women don’t fit men very well. You will get a number of confused and disgusted looks.
Gemini: I still cannot understand how you survived the black mambas. It was like a level 1 rattat* surviving a fight against a level 100 dragonit*. Truly amazing, I have to give you that. With this you have earned their respect. You will probably get some tattoos and an induction into their gang.
Cancer: you will finally get the treatment for your gangrene, and you will finally be in one piece (pun intended). However, problems have not finished yet. You will somehow find yourself back next to the gat of Fiery Creek General Hospital, every single night of the week. Voices will call you. You will reject them once and again, without understanding how you even got there.
Leo: you will finally decide on a holiday destination. The Ancient Egyptians will wonder at your arrival, and take you to their pharaoh, Ramesses II. He will try to turn you into his third wife, but you will manage to escape thanks to your knowledge of magic and the gun you always pack in your suitcase. I predict trouble with Ancient Egyptian authorities.
Virgo: somehow, you will find people willing to pay for your campaign, without you having to use the mind control cookies that you got from Doris’ destroyed house. Also, you have somehow managed to hide a lot from me using the Dark Arts, but don’t think I cannot see what you are doing with the police force. Are you planning to start an army, or something?
Libra: the Astral Plane of Withdrawal will finally fade, and you will start to feel clean, and like you can start to live a normal life. Be careful. You are probably going to be the first victim of the anti-magic violence.
Scorpio: and, when you least expect it, the German children will move back in. You poor bastard. Good thing is that the Social Services will stop bothering you, but the German children will have an abnormal appetite, almost impossible to quench. You will need a whole farmhouse to feed them. To feed them for the first night, that is. Also, don’t try to get revenge on that girl for destroying your school and burning your secretary. That’s a very bad idea.
Sagittarius: I’m going to say this again. I don’t know why all of this happens to you. I just simply don’t know. It’s like you were Hitler in a previous life and now the universe is inflicting all of this punishment onto you. I would recommend to stop breathing, but apparently it’s necessary for survival. Good luck.
Capricorn: that looks much better. Building an underground lair in which to protect everyone from utter destruction and a dystopian future may seem cliché – it is -, but it seems like a good idea to me. You will somehow get to . Ask the Gods to help you with this work.
Aquarius: you will start to see the German children everywhere. The same set of brother and sister, running around, in Main Square, near your workplace, in the grocery store, in your backyard, in your corridor, in your bathroom as you take a shower, under your bed when you go to sleep. None of that is hallucinations. It’s all true. They are toying with their prey. They know that you know what they are. Now they just want to make you feel the despair.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 19/54 of spontaneously turning into a warthog this week. This is probably the Linux community trying to mess with everyone. Be careful with barbecues, they may decide that they don’t have enough bacon.