This week in the news:
Summer Solstice has ended, some are back and others are missing
The Summer Solstice, an event filled with magic, has lated for over a week this year. This is just another demonstration of how magic and other strange forces are capable of stealing our citizens from a normal life. Much as the Chief Editor of this journal, also founder of ANUS, has gone missing, we want to continue his work of propaganda based on fearmongering just to ruin this celebration for everyone else.
This is what happened: Thursday started as a normal day in which everyone was following their routine, except for the concert that was going to take place that night. But throughout the day – though mostly in the evening -, people realized that the day had settled in, but had no intention of finishing. Clocks and calendars did not update until the Solstice finished on Friday, which was supposed to be the 1st of July. The calendars then went back to normal. This, however, did not seem to affect the Library, which again, is just another sign of how magic breaks the normal social functioning.
that bitch who just peeks on everyone’s lives sole member of the Neighbourhood Watch, noticed that her surveillance system had been taken down by some powerful magic. She also noticed that everyone’s petunias were growing nicely in the Petunia District, so she decided to look for the source of the power that had activated the plant life. Her investigations brought her to the Sacred Lemon Tree, which was definitely involved in some huge hidden scheme.
There, reportedly (which basically means we are just inventing everything for the sake of making our point, because real events cannot be used in favour of our point) magic users threatened Greg Ferguson, leader of ANUS, who was just trying to save everyone from the dangers of magic and was followed by a mob that threatened to kill him (we just completely invented that, but we need some drama for you to believe us). The leader of the radical magic users who started the violence was Mamma Luca, who is also owner of all the local businesses with her name and is the leader of the Italian mafia.
Then, the Witches Akelarre, who have grown an illegal jungle in the Forbidden District, staged the kidnapping of the whole town. Everyone in town was incapacitated and unable to move, feel or think until Friday evening. Liza Kulmala, neighbour of the Petunia District, seems to have been involved in this, as she left before the incapacitating happened. She must have known that something was going on (again, we have no proof to claim this, it’s just a Post hoc, ergo propter hoc logical fallacy).
Doris Waters, the only hero in this story, tried to get the Witches to explain what was going on, but was attacked on the spot. Thankfully, the attempt on her life (they actually only sent her to sleep, but again drama) failed, and she is still part of the community.
We do not know what happened next, but the High Witch of the Akelarre got murdered, some say that by Mamma Luca, the Italian Mafia leader. This is, again, another proof that she is a dangerous woman and that she should be locked up. We, again, have no proof of any of this, but hey, we are using the rumours that we have to our advantage.
Overall, magic and magic users have been proven to be a danger to society, and they should all be locked up or burnt in stakes, and magic should be forbidden. We recommend applying the Spanish Inquisition’s punishment book, knowing that it is probably not going to happen, just as a way to exert our power over everyone else to ruin happy days like the celebration of the Solstice.
Also, as we are almost out of space:
THOSE WHO ARE BACK: 5 members of Town Council, John Fier, Erin Pyp, Anne Black
THOSE WHO ARE CONFIRMED DEAD: 3911 Town Council members, Deborah Peterson, High Witch
THOSE WHOSE FATE IS UNKNOWN: Mayor Laura Garcia, Dominic Wess
Unrest in the cat community as Tabby Whiskers movilizes her faction
There has been a lot of cat-tivity (pun intended) in the cat community in town as Tabby Whiskers has started to call for her supporters to protest against the Peace Negotiations between cats and dogs that are soon going to finish. Her supporters, in the hundreds, demonstrated yesterday against a Peace Treaty that they called “unfair”, saying that “dogs should go back to where they are from”.
Both cats and dogs who are in favour of this Treaty were shocked at this kind of reaction. They say that both cats and dogs are native to the town, and should be able to live peacefully. “The war has torn families for too long, and it is time for us to choose peace” said Rex, president elect of the dog community. On the other hand, Mittens, leader supreme of the cats, has not made any statements, and we are still waiting for its reaction.