NOTE: the calendar is functioning normally once again. Normal updates of the Horoscope and Weekly Fiery Creek should be expected from now on.
This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: the knitting incident was an enormous disaster, and the victim’s families want to be avanged. Be aware of vigilantes. A man dressed like a bat may try to attack you.
Taurus: blue is like, so 50s. Get some cyan clothes, that’s what’s on right now.
Gemini: the leader of ANUS will hide in the same place in which you are hiding, giving away your position. There’s no escaping the black mamba gang anymore. You will have to fight to the death. Be careful, they may adopt the dangerous form of a Jehovah’s Witness, and introduce you to their cult until you die.
Cancer: the Revenant District is not a good place to get treatment for your gangrene. You will somehow stumble upon Fiery Creek General Hospital. A ghost from inside will call you, and you will try to give them your middle finger, forgetting that both your middle fingers have fallen because of the gangrene.
Leo: you will hear the news that the Kraken King has already been slain by the Mayor, so you will cancel your holiday plan of going to Barbados, disappointed.
Virgo: you will feel that life is dull and that everything that is fun is illegal. Several positions are open in Town Council. Try to go for politics.
Libra: you are an awful hunter. You did get a feather from that phoenix of the Astral Plane of Withdrawal, though. That should be enough for now.
Scorpio: yay, the German children will flee your house, disappear forever! The Social Services will sue you for negligence of your children. Get ready for the legal battle that will ensue.
Sagittarius: for some reason, the odds happen to be in your favour this week. The odds of getting to one of the deadliest doors of the Library City, that is. Make all of the necessary arrangements with your family and friends.
Capricorn: getting a tank was a good start on post-apocalyptic dystopian survival. Now you need to stock up in food and bottled water, appliances, and ways to create energy and produce food. More. No, more than that. Even more.
Aquarius: you will try to get revenge on the German children for burning your house. You will hunt them down again. You will follow them to their lair, and try to get them by surprise. What you will see there will make you run back to safety. It will be pointless. Eventually, they will get you.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 4/11 of spontaneously turning into a toad this week. It’s probably one of your significant other’s siblings that is going to do it. It’s not that they don’t like you, it’s all about sibling quarrels. It’s OK, this time you can turn back to normal if your significant other gives you a kiss of True Love.