This week in the news:
Ancient Egyptians in town to negotiate with Walter Simmons over transported pyramids
Walter Simmons has finally managed to organize a meeting with pharaoh of Egypt Khêops to talk about the transportation of a number of his pyramids, exact replicas of those built by Ancient Egyptians, back in time. The pyramid enthusiast hopes to be able to retrieve his pyramids from Ancient Egypt. In order to do so, the monarch of Egypt between 2589 and 2566 BC has come to our small town in our period of time, 2016.
“I haven’t spoken with the pharaoh personally, it was my lawyers who organized everything” Walter Simmons explained to this newspaper. “But from what they’ve said, he sounded like a pretty reasonable man. He didn’t try to kill the lawyers, which is quite a start. The Aztecs were not very happy to see them, and one of them just barely escaped being sacrificed to some long dead god”.
The pharaoh has brought his entourage and Royal Guard with him, which means that the town is going to be full with tourists from a past age. They will all be staying in town for the duration of the negotiations. This will help activate the local tourism related businesses. Rita, the owner of the town inn, is happy with their visit “They don’t pay in dollars, they pay in gold, but they pay well and are making us work like we do in the summer”.
It seems that, for some, this meeting is going to be an early start on the summer peak season.
Satan leader in presidential primary, thanks to favourable results in California
The presidential primaries are coming to an end and it seems that the candidates from each party have almost been decided. The candidate of the Dark Arts for Massacre is Freddie Kruger – though he awaits confirmation from the party congress -, a position that has been earned thanks to his hard work in expanding the empire of fear. Mr Kruger earned his position early on, and has maintained it efortlessly against all odds, as some invented polls where more favourable to his competitor the Horseman of War. The Horseman of the Apocalypse did not retire from the election until all of its possibilities were exhausted.
On the other hand, the candidate of the Dark Arts for Tyranny party has been decided in the last moment, though Satan has maintained the lead all through the elections. The Dark Warlock Overlord, who managed to shorten the distance with Satan to 200 delegates, could not snatch the victory from the King of Hell, who completely dominated in California. “It was to be expected” some dude I know said. “California is a state of sin, which Satan is good at, and has promised to improve the conditions for them to sin”.
Now, once the candidates have been confirmed by their respective party congresses, the campaign will start for the real election, which is scheduled for November 8, 2016.
Peace negotiations reaching an end, say cat and dog leaders
The leader supreme of the cats, Mittens, and the president elect of the dogs, Rex, announced on a joint press conference this Thursday that peace negotiations between dogs and cats are reaching a satisfactory end. This may seem to be the end of a conflict that has torn this town for some time now.
“The dog community is very happy that we can reach this agreement” said Rex, “And we only regret not having got to this point any earlier”. This decision has been welcomed in the dog community, who all see it as beneficial to both parties, and think that living as one community and in close collaboration is going to help them solve their differences.
“We have understood each other and, with certain measures, it seems that we will be able to live peacefully” stated Mittens. This peace negotiation has produced mixed feelings in the cat community. While some are happy that the conflict has finally ended, others dissent with the choices taken by their leader supreme, and think that the cats are giving up too much. Among them, Tabby Whiskers seems to be the one with the most followers.