This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: you will try to get a new hobby, and enroll to some of the new courses in town. You will discover that you are shit at anything that requires a steady hand or some sort of artistic sense – I’m not even going to get started with the knitting accident that you’re going to provoke, the death toll will have three digits.
Taurus: on Wednesdays we wear pink, you will tell her, and then put that horrendous cardigan on. Pink and orange are definitely not a combination that anyone should subject themselves and the rest of humanity to.
Gemini: you did not choose a right place to hide in. The cobra that owns the cafeteria that you’ve been going to recently wants to be part of the black mamba gang, and he will sell you to them for some credit. You could escape them if you got yourself into the Gulag, but that will only be temporary.
Cancer: you will perform a ritual to turn into an undead, like the rest of your neighbours. You will get mixed results. Just so you know, gangrene is usually quite bad. Get some treatment.
Leo: after reading the summary of Town Council’s vacations in Barbados, you will want to visit the island. For your own wellbeing, just don’t go. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t go.
Virgo: you will hide the drugs that you are dealing with in Town Hall’s basement when the police come around sniffing at you, suspecting illegal activities. Don’t try to recover those drugs, it’s a bad idea. You should stop dealing for a few months, just in case.
Libra: your dealer is going to stop dealing for a few months and you will go into withdrawal syndrome. Get your hunting materials ready, as your normal reality fuses with the Astral Plane of Withdrawal you should try to catch a phoenix.
Scorpio: a social worker will come to your new home claiming that two German children are your children. You will try to deny this, but you will have no option other than to take and raise them. Yes, they are the same German children that destroyed your house and stole from you.
Sagittarius: the worst of the worst happened. But it’s not finished yet. This is just the eye of the storm.
Capricorn: you should start thinking about post-apocalyptic dystopian survival. The end is nigh.
Aquarius: you will see those German children that you killed running around town again. Plant some onions around your house. That will not keep the German children away, but it will look nice when your house is burnt by those German children in retaliation for killing them.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 1/91 of spontaneously turning into a stork this week. Some Ancient Egyptians will mistake you for an ibis and try to venerate you and take you back 3000 years in time.