This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: now that the fire around town has disappeared, you will try to escape town as quickly as possible. If you do, a bunch of deadly mosquitoes will chase you to your death – it’s not the mosquitoes that will kill you, but falling from a ravine as you escape from them.
Taurus: I like what you will be wearing this week. It’s like, good for celebrations, but still elegant. But don’t let this get to your head. You probably got this one by accident.
Gemini: the black mambas are still after you, and will go around town to see if they can find you. Hide yourself as well as possible, you may even be able to avoid them for long enough that they forget about you.
Cancer: your neighbours of the Revenant District will turn out to be nicer than you had expected, and will even do chores for you. Just remind you that undead people have a different concept of a barbecue than you do. Do not bring those burgers.
Leo: get those vaccines. No, really, do get them. I’ve told you seven trillion times that they do not cause autism! Just get them, please!
Virgo: get some of that Mediterranean sea water before it filters through the ground. It will come in handy for the future.
Libra: just let your partner be the one to cook in next week’s dinner with your friends, OK? I don’t trust you to get it right with an oven anymore.
Scorpio: you will get back home, recovered from the burns of being thrown in the oven, only to find out that the German children also took your money. Financial situation doesn’t look good for you.
Sagittarius: I know what you’re going to say. “But it all looks fine now!”, that’s what you are going to say. That is when the worst stuff happens. When things are fine.
Capricorn: easy, easy. Some of those alligators are your neighbours. Do not go on a hunt this week.
Aquarius: the police will come to your door asking about some German children that are vandalizing the town. You will show them piled in your stash of dead bodies. The police will take all of the corpses, no questions asked. Now you could use the space you made for new projects!
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 7/59 of spontaneously turning into an alligator this week. You better find some pond or river, because you will need a lot of water to survive in that form.