This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: Libra used the oven this week, against my recommendation. The Eldritch abomination that Libra has conjured into town will definitely kill you.
Taurus: wear black this week, you never know when they’re going to need to bury you.
Gemini: the lawnmowers that held a grudge against you will be wiped out by the black mamba gang that has established itself in town. This doesn’t mean that you can relax, as the black mambas will now want you to pay a tribute because they control the neighbourhood. Moving may be a good idea.
Cancer: desperate, you will try to commit suicide to end all of your problems once and for all. You will fail. Four different times. Better to establish yourself under a bridge, or in the Revenant district – you are dead inside, anyway.
Leo: you will fall victim to the government’s mind controlling agent that Doris Waters was using in her cookies. Make sure that everyone knows that you will probably not be in control of your actions for the next week or so.
Virgo: good job at retrieving Doris’ biscuits and reverse engineering the process to create the mind controlling agent. You may need to use your mind controlled army to fight an Eldritch Abomination.
Libra: I told you not to use the oven! Running away is not an option, but don’t worry, if you survive, the townspeople will be too tired to look for a culprit. Just make sure you remove all proof.
Scorpio: you will build a new house with chocolate, candy, gingerbread and all things sweet. A pair of German children will vandalize your home and then throw you into the oven. Beware of Arian children.
Sagittarius: I’m so sorry, it’s just, you know… Not that I have anything against Sagittarius, it’s just simply that… that… Nope. That’s it.
Capricorn: try not to think about puppies this week. If you do, you will combust spontaneously.
Aquarius: you will have to execute you mother in law. She is becoming way too nosy and will probably end up discovering the corpses in the basement. You won’t have to worry about this one, though: nobody will come to your door asking about her – she is a bit too much for everyone.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 3/16 of spontaneously turning into a cobra this week. You could join the black mamba gang, but they will never accept you as one of them.