This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: again, no good at all. You will open the door to your friendly neighbourhood Jehovah’s Witness, wanting to hear what they have to tell you about their cult, and will be surprised by a bunch of black mambas attacking you.
Taurus: avoid colour pink this week. Or like, always. It doesn’t go well with the tone of your skin.
Gemini: you didn’t die last week, well done! However, your lawnmower is now sentient and wants to kill you. In fact, the lawnmowers of your area have formed a gang and a hold a grudge against you. Negotiation skills may help you out of this one, but I can see you die a horrible death.
Cancer: your wife will kick you out of the house now that the cat earns twice as much as you do. You will try to get help from an Ancient forgotten God, but it will bail out on you. Don’t waste that goat blood, it won’t help.
Leo: your cancer will be cured, but you will have to go to the Unit of Intensive Care with third degree burns.
Virgo: it seems that helping people with those barbecues will give you a lot of clients in need for treatment of burns. Make sure you have enough pig skin for grafts.
Libra: don’t use the oven this week. It’s a bad idea, OK? Just don’t ask.
Scorpio: your house will catch fire and all of the corn that you used to build it will turn into popcorn that your neighbours will eat. Wasn’t such a good idea, was it?
Sagittarius: I still don’t get why it’s always you, but no. Just… no.
Capricorn: you won’t die this week. Good.
Aquarius: you will finally become a famous Hollywood actor in high budget films, win an Oscar and be respected by everyone around you. Then you will wake up.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 17/74 of spontaneously turning into a butterfly this week. I would stay away from children.