This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.
Aries: seems like it’s going to be a bad week. Just try not to get bitten by a snake tomorrow in the Market, OK? Nobody wants to rush you to the hospital again.
Taurus: honey, stop wearing that. It doesn’t look good on you, it’s not even your size. I recommend tracksuits and boots this week for the mud.
Gemini: probably going to die a horrible death, related to the colour green. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Cancer: your cat will take over the household as the primary breadwinner of the house. Now that your family is in a better financial situation, this could be a nice time to keep working in your job, because the shit contract that binds you to Ba’al, Prince of Hell, lasts for the next decade. Don’t even consider stopping your job.
Leo: you will finally get the Cancer that you were looking to share your life with. Maybe not exactly what you expected, though.
Virgo: sales of chemotherapy are going to go well for you this week. Seems like it was a good idea to poison the water supply.
Libra: yeah, how about you don’t? This week is going to be horrendous for you. If you can travel in time to next week, do so.
Capricorn: uff, sorry, no. Better luck next week.
Aquarius: you know that they actually do not do that in Alabama, right? That’s not a legit move. Avoid or you will suffer terrible consequences.
Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 10/41 of spontaneously turning into a fish this week. I would keep a fish tank nearby.