Important Sites of Fiery Creek 4: Main Square

Main Square is a meeting point in the centre of town. Well, maybe not exactly in the centre of the town, but a little bit towards the south. Like a kilometre or so, nothing that you cannot cover in a calm fifteen minute stroll. Come on, it’s not that bad. I mean, it’s a bit inconvenient for people who live in the Revenant District, but as for the rest of the people… it’s not that bad.

So, in previous occasions you got to Town Hall, the Library and Mama’s Gelato Shop. Getting to Main Square should not be a problem at all. Are you serious? I gave you directions last time. Oh, now you’re coming with that? Well, f*ck you. I’ve said I’m not giving you directions and I am absolutely not going to give you any directions. You get there by yourself.

Main Square, as the name indicates, has an octagonal shape. That’s right, Main Square has 8 sides to it. There are only two entrances, one in the east and the other one in the west. This was done to avoid that piskies got there. Piskies like to get a lot of iron, which makes them highly susceptible to magnetic fields – like the Earth’s – and thus can only move in a North-South axis.

Apart from Town Hall and the Library, other memorable buildings that surround the square are:

  • The Spanish Centre for English Education, where Spanish teachers teach you English in a heavy accent. No Spanish students accepted.
  • The Parallel Reality cafeteria, located in both sides of the Square, exactly symmetric to each other in every aspect. While you take coffee there, your evil self from another reality takes coffee on the other side!
  • Evil Public Toilets of Doom, the only public restrooms in town, will probably be responsible for your ill fated death if you walk into one of them. It’s one of the best rides in town.
  • A Chinese shop. We don’t know what they’re doing there, or how they earn the money to pay for rent in such an expensive location. They may be related to the black mamba gang somehow.

Then, inside the square, there is a number of Citrus trees placed in perfectly calibrated positions. Not a single Citrus tree is repeated, and their positions are extremely relevant. It all has strong magical properties that, if written incorrectly, can kill the user, so I’m not going to write them here. Seventy three people died in the planning of this orchard only.

In the very centre of the square, in a pedestal about a metre high, there is the sacred lemon tree. The roots of the tree produce lemon juice, which is channelled into four fountains in a cardinal point each. Citizens and visitors can drink from this with two purposes: healing from injuries produced by any sort of magic and finding Town Hall.

That’s right, the trick to finding Town Hall quickly is to drink from the fountain. When they hear this, some people say, Easy, being unaware of how acidic lemon juice can be. It’s not that easy. There is a jug in the north fountain to drink from. In order to get to Town Hall, you have to fill and drink the whole jug of lemon juice. Of course, you cannot add any sugar or sweetener. If you do, it won’t have any effect. You have to drink the pure lemon juice. See, I told you it was not that easy!

This is also going to clean you from all of the filthiness that you live so comfortable with, and in that state of purity you will be able to see and access Town Hall. It’s going to purify your body and soul, and you’re going to feel like shit. Yes, I know, it’s much easier to live in sin.

And, if you are one of those people that like lemon juice…

You are a monster.

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History of Fiery Creek 4: The Declaration of War

The 7th September 1847, a stranger arrived in town. His appearance sort of gave away who he was – it was mostly the horns and the tail -, so most of the citizens moved out of his way. The Lord of Hell was in town, and he advanced with a set objective in mind. The trail of fire left behind him soon attracted several family barbecues that feasted outside in the good weather.

Mary Clark came out of the Caliph’s Palace shouting.

“What the fuck, man!” she had picked on some of the future slang from her time travel to install internet cables in town. “You know how much building the pavement costs? Stop that fire, you asshole!”

Satan looked around and saw the trail he had left behind. “Oh, so sorry, ma’am, it was not my intention to…”

“You deities and supernatural creatures are all the same: “I didn’t want to, I didn’t think of that, I beg your pardon”, that’s what you lot say. But I am the one who has to deal with the destroyed town property!”

Ba’al came out of the Palace. “What’s going on?”

“Some other supernatural creature has come and has set the roads on fire” Mary complained.

“You think we can make him pay for reparations? It worked with the Scandinavian Gods”.

“I don’t know. Does Hell pay in cash?”

Ba’al looked out, and actually saw Satan for the first time. “You” was the only word that came out of his mouth.

“My dear friend” Satan greeted. “I’ve come to take you back home”.

He advanced and went past Mary. When he was in front of Ba’al, he gave him a hug. “I have really missed you”. Then, noticing how it had sounded, he added “No homo, though”.

“Look, I don’t know why you’ve come looking for me, but I’m happy here. We just fell apart a couple of centuries back, and it’s better to live with it” Ba’al said, as he freed himself from the hug.

“But I’ve changed! I will show, it’ a whole new me!”

Mary Clark rolled her eyes. “Men”.

Satan seemed offended. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re all the same. You promise to have changed, to be different, and you do behave differently for a short period of romance of sorts. But then you get accustomed to the relationship and fall into the same bad habits again”.

“That is a stereotype and I feel very offended by that!” he turned towards Ba’al. “Come on, let’s go”.

He held Ba’al from the shoulder and shrouded them both in a dark cloud, as dark runes appeared in a pentagram in the floor. He snapped his fingers and the portal disappeared. Both Ba’al and Satan were in exactly the same place. Mary Clark looked unimpressed.

“This has never happened before…” Satan explained, nervously.

He repeated the process, with the same result.

“I don’t understand what is going on! It should work”.

Mary laughed. It was a loud, honest laugh.

“What have you done?” Satan screamed. “You little…”

He raised a hand against Mary, but in a split second Ba’al had held his arm in place and Mary had drawn the machete that she always carried in her belt – being a town mayor used to be a dangerous job! – to his neck.

“You are not the first supernatural creature that I deal with. Don’t think that I wouldn’t be able to take on you” Mary warned.

“Ba’al, you too?” Satan asked, looking at the arm holding him in place.

Ba’al sighed. “I’m sorry. You are not the same anymore. I can feel it. That was the reason why I left. Now I have pledged allegiance to this town, with magic and blood. That was the reason why you couldn’t take me with you” he explained, freeing Satan and showing him a mark in his chest.

Satan was not happy. “You win this time. But this is war”.

He left, disappearing in a small burst that blackened the floor. Mary Clark looked worried. Ba’al spoke.

“I’m sorry, now we are going to have to fight a war against Hell… It’s all my fault”.

Mary Clark stayed silent for a while. Ba’al was starting to worry, thinking about his fate. She finally spoke.

“Damn, who is going to pay for all of the reparations now?”

Weekly Fiery Creek, 29/05/2016

This week in the news:

Eldritch abomination invoked through the use of an oven.

An Eldritch abomination has appeared in town this week. The thing itself, too horrifying to understand or to grasp at all, seems to have been invoked through the use of an oven, but there simply is no way to know. It is simply a mockery to reality and common sense, which is now haunting our town.

The abomination is extremely dangerous. The citizens that have been touched by its tentacle-like appendages have been turned into delicious plates of Italian, Spanish or French cuisine, which have been devoured by the citizens that have looked at the abomination for too long, unable to resist the urge to eat their neighbours. Those of Italian, Spanish and French descent have not appreciated this, and have waged war on the abomination under the leadership of Mama Luca.

Other groups have also joined the effort to get rid of the abomination. The undead citizens of the town and an army of mind controlled citizens are also participating in this fight to get rid of the abomination, which is disrupting normal life across town. Several of the incidents produced by this creature include the summoning of German children to the town, alterations of the gravity and turning water into chocolate.

Meanwhile, town police and the Council have not made public any intention of fighting the Eldritch abomination. “It is not our responsibility to deal with mysterious, incomprehensible creatures” stated the town Mayor, Laura Garcia, while eating a bowl of fetuccini with cheese. “Just get used to it” she added, while trying some paella from a dish on her side.

Doris Waters’ house exploded in tea brewing accident.

Doris Waters’ house exploded this Friday in Sinno street at the Petunia District. Luckily, nobody got injured at the incident and, unfortunately, the sole founder and member of the Neighbourhood Watch has gone unscathed.

According to town librarian, Ms Erin Pyp, who witnessed the explosion,  town visitor Anne Black was being interrogated in Doris Waters’ basement at the time – which is the Town Council’s standard procedure to decide if a visitor is eligible for a welcome party at the Fier family bar – when tea at several thousand degrees of temperature was dropped inside the house, which provoked the explosion.

Doris Waters and the government officials who were doing the interrogation managed to get out safely, but abandoned Ms Anne Black in the house. Thanks to Ms Pyp managing the collection of prophecies left behind by Diane Vines when died, Ms Black was rescued by Ms Pyp and John Fier, who had known from the very beginning what would happen.

Several neighbours of the Petunia District have complained about Doris’ tea brewing. “Shee heatz the vater too much” commented Liza Kulmala. “It’z dangerouz for ze children” she added, concerned about her two daughters and her son. “We have informed Town Council several times about this issue, but they do not take any action” complained Mr Fier.

Meanwhile, Town Council has made public its decision to rebuild Doris Waters’ house on community funds, and has asked the neighbours to lodge and help Ms Waters in this tragedy, as she is “just a victim”. She is currently banging on all of her neighbours’ doors at the same time, as they all refuse to have her.

Strange activity at the Registry of Lost and Found.

The workers of the Registry of Lost and Found have reported strange activity in their building of Sand street. Reports from the office state that things keep getting moved around by some unknown force.

For instance, Dominic Wess, head of the office, was surprised when he found a bloody machete in the corridor. “I thought we had put it in its place. It even had its name tag, with the date and the place where it was found written in runes, as is standard. There was also more blood in the machete than there had originally been. It is all very weird”.

These events have matched with the disappearance of Deborah Peterson, worker of the office. Whether there is a relationship between both events, the police cannot tell yet.

Fiery Creek Horoscope, 28/05/2016

This is the horoscope for this week. As always, remember that in weeks with more than two primes the prediction gets reversed, and that the week of the full moon horoscopes don’t work. On the other hand, if there is an eclipse somewhere in the world, horoscopes work an infinitesimal factor of d better.

Aries: Libra used the oven this week, against my recommendation. The Eldritch abomination that Libra has conjured into town will definitely kill you.

Taurus: wear black this week, you never know when they’re going to need to bury you.

Gemini: the lawnmowers that held a grudge against you will be wiped out by the black mamba gang that has established itself in town. This doesn’t mean that you can relax, as the black mambas will now want you to pay a tribute because they control the neighbourhood. Moving may be a good idea.

Cancer: desperate, you will try to commit suicide to end all of your problems once and for all. You will fail. Four different times. Better to establish yourself under a bridge, or in the Revenant district – you are dead inside, anyway.

Leo: you will fall victim to the government’s mind controlling agent that Doris Waters was using in her cookies. Make sure that everyone knows that you will probably not be in control of your actions for the next week or so.

Virgo: good job at retrieving Doris’ biscuits and reverse engineering the process to create the mind controlling agent. You may need to use your mind controlled army to fight an Eldritch Abomination.

Libra: I told you not to use the oven! Running away is not an option, but don’t worry, if you survive, the townspeople will be too tired to look for a culprit. Just make sure you remove all proof.

Scorpio: you will build a new house with chocolate, candy, gingerbread and all things sweet. A pair of German children will vandalize your home and then throw you into the oven. Beware of Arian children.

Sagittarius: I’m so sorry, it’s just, you know… Not that I have anything against Sagittarius, it’s just simply that… that… Nope. That’s it.

Capricorn: try not to think about puppies this week. If you do, you will combust spontaneously.

Aquarius: you will have to execute you mother in law. She is becoming way too nosy and will probably end up discovering the corpses in the basement. You won’t have to worry about this one, though: nobody will come to your door asking about her – she is a bit too much for everyone.

Pisces: you have a probability of exactly 3/16 of spontaneously turning into a cobra this week. You could join the black mamba gang, but they will never accept you as one of them.

3

A third Friday in town is a special event. Tradition states that, if you have managed to stay in town for that long without getting obsessed with the Noise, you deserve a party on the Fier family’s bar, courtesy of Town Council. The last person that qualified before you was Liza Kulmala, our Finnish neighbour who came to town in 1992. She came saying that she was a natural of Fiery Creek, but she had been born in Finland, because Fiery Creek citizens can be born wherever the f*ck they want to. This is a free country, right?

Of course, Town Council is stingy as shit I mean very thorough in their jobs, so they wanted to check that you had not obsessed with the Noise (even though the Noise disappeared when you arrived in town). That was the reason why you got kidnapped by some extremely indiscreet government officials in the middle of the street, as you were going about your day.

You were taken to a secret interrogation spot – which is basically Doris Waters’ basement, let’s not lie, we all know – and there some masked officials stared at you while Doris served tea and some biscuits in a table next to you.

“Help yourself, sweetie” she said, trying to appear like an inoffensive old granny. We all know, however, how she collaborates with the town police, and what kind of neighbourhood terror she is subjecting her neighbours to. She is the true bad cop. That treat was only designed to lower your guard.

“Thank you” you responded, and took a biscuit and a cup of tea.

“So, Anne Black, would you say that…”

You soon noticed your grave mistake when the boiling tea burnt your skin – the old hag brews it at 5000K in the thermonuclear power plant that she has in her backyard – and dropped it on the floor, which literally evaporated at that temperature. The whole house started to heat very quickly.

Of course, whenever there is an actual emergency, the government is the first one to flee the scene, so the officials ran for it. Doris followed them, and you found yourself alone in the collapsing house. At that point, Erin and I opened a secret tunnel to Doris’ basement.

“Come with us!” Erin shouted.

You jumped onto the hole, which we closed after us, and we ran for it, too. The house exploded in every direction.

“What the…!”

“I told that old hag, I told her that using the water from the nuclear power plant to brew tea was a bad idea!” I shouted. “I told the Council, God, why will they never listen to me?”

“She gives them those cookies. She makes them with the same mind controlling agent that the government uses to create the chemtrails” Erin answered. Then, turning towards you. “Are you OK, Anne?”

“I… don’t know” you said, dropping to the floor.

Erin kneeled in front of you, helping you keep a seating position. “Hey, it’s all right, the danger is gone”.

“First I got kidnapped, then the tea burnt my hand and made the house explode…”

“Wait, you’re injured? Let me see that” she looked at your hand, which showed third degree burns. “John, it’s bad. You will need to carry her”.

I sighed and took you in my arms, without much effort. “Erin, go to my place and get the back room ready”.

She rushed, and we followed.

“It hurts, a lot” you told me.

“I know, I know, poor thing. It’s going to be OK. We are going to tend to those wounds”.

It didn’t take us much to get there, but Erin had already prepared everything. I placed you on the table, ready for the ritual. The pain had increased a lot as the burns appeared in your arm. Erin and I put on our robes and prepared our magical kit. Suddenly, I noticed that something was missing.

“Where’s the goat blood?”

“Frank is having a bitch fit” was Erin’s simple response.

I rolled my eyes. “Frank, come in, NOW!” I shouted.

Frank, my goat, came in kicking at whatever he could see, swearing. “Oh, Frank, we need your f*ucking blood to invoke some creature, Frank, give us some blood to heal some poor bitch we’ve found in the tunnels, Frank, Frank, FRANK! It’s always ME!”

“Do you actually need it?” I asked, firmly.

Frank rolled his eyes. “OK, you win”.

He took the sacrificial knife, jumped onto a chair and from there he hopped onto the table, next to you.

“This better be frigging worth it, honey” he told you, right before stabbing at his own neck, letting a splat of blood fall over you. He fell to the floor.

“Fuck!” you screamed.

“Calm down, Anne, he regenerates each time” Erin explained.

“Aw” Frank complained, as he got up onto all its four and stretched its neck.

We completed the ritual, which healed your arm to full health. We then started to clean everything up, as you started to understand what was going on.

“But, my arm! I don’t know how you did this, but it’s… weird. Shouldn’t you have taken me to the hospital?” you were very obviously confused.

“The hospital is not for sick people” Erin answered. “We tend to each other’s wounds at home here” she explained.

When everything was clean, we headed to the front. “Anyway, today was supposed to be a welcoming party for you!” I said. “There’s not many people here, I guess because Doris’ house collapsed, but it was a celebration”.

You looked around and saw Ba’al drinking in a corner, Liza with her children sat around a table, eating, and a bunch of dead citizens drinking in a small group. Ba’al was the only one to approach us.

“So you’re Anne Black? Nice to meet you” he said, shaking your hand.

“Nice to meet you”.

“Do you want something?” he asked.

“Some cider, or something fresh, please. I’m thirsty”.

“John, a cider and some whiskey, please. On me”.

“Oh” I looked at him. “That’s interesting. When was the last time you invited anyone to a drink?”

“Diane Vines, 1867” he answered.

“Seems like you’ve joined an extremely select club then, Anne” I told you.

“Get me a Guiness” Erin asked.

That night we drank, and celebrated. For a new arrival in town.

Middle of the Desert Discs, 25/05/2016

In our endeavour to get to know our neighbours better, every month we ask a prominent citizen of the town to tell us what book they would take with them to the Middle of the Desert, apart from the complete works of Tolkien and Cervantes. This week we have asked Ba’al, Prince of Hell:

“I think I would take the Book of Revelation with me. It is a classic, me being a Prince of Hell and whatnot, but I enjoy the imagery presented by John. It reminds me of the good ol’ times, when Satan and I were buddies. Yes, the same Satan that is currently stomping the Black Warlock Overlord in the elections. We fell out during the XVI century – the Spanish Inquisition was involved – and I came to the Earth. But when Mary Clark destroyed Hell, Satan had nowhere else to go, so he stayed here and we have contacted each other again. It’s not the same as it used to be, though… So, yes, the Book of Revelation, definitely. For the good ol’ times”.

Fiery Creek Public Service Announcements, 25/05/2016

The following Public Service Announcement has been made public by Town Council on the 25th May 2016. Its aim is to let citizens know that:

  1. William Sato, Town Council member for the last 6 years, has announced his retirement. This means that the Council’s Development Seat will be left vacant in the next few months. The Council, in an attempt to ensure stability of the Cat-Dog negotiations, will not nominate any candidates for the position until matters are settled.
  2. A faction of black mambas has settled in town. They are a criminal gang that has attacked several citizens already. Among their illegal activities are impersonation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, violent attacks using knifes, and, allegedly, traffic of illegal drugs, according to the town’s police force. They are to be considered extremely dangerous, and avoided at all costs. The Town Council and Town Police are currently cooperating to manage the situation.
  3. The recycling system is not being used properly. Workers that pick up the trash to send it all to the same plant in the edge of town where everything is processed have complained that many citizens do not separate their rubbish because “they’re going to process everything together, anyway”. While this is true, the recycling system was created by our ancestors for a reason, and unknown as that reason might be to us, the recycling system needs everyone’s cooperation. So remember, on Monday it is Assassination tools – like a knife or a Voodoo doll -, on Tuesday it is Warm stuff – like some nuclear waste that you may have lying around the house -, on Wednesday it is Ears, on Thursday it is your Salary – you are going to waste it, anyway! -, Friday it is broken Oaths – are they useful anymore? -, Saturday it is Magic sludge, and Sunday it is Ears again. So remember, the mnemonics is AWESOME, not KNEECAP.
  4. This year Literature Week will probably be cancelled due to the weather. The weather predicted for October is going to be pretty bad – from what we know, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will probably ride that month, and it will rain blood -, which is highly inconvenient for the outdoor activities planned for that week. The Town Council is trying to negotiate with the Horsemen so that they ride one week later, but a positive outcome cannot be ensured in this tense negotiation.