The date

“You know, I don’t intend to be hurtful…”

“But you are going to be anyway”.

“Well, yes. This coffee is not very good at all”.

“Do you know how many people have died for this coffee?”

Jane looked around at the rest of the Starbucks. “I’d estimate around 35 people?”

In a sudden arm movement, Alissa destroyed the bathroom. There were screams inside, which finally faded as the rubble and humans inside were compressed to a small cube the size of a trash can. “That makes 38” she said.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I really appreciate the effort it took to kill these people. It’s just that the coffee here has never been great, and since there is no incentive for improvement…”

Alissa sighed. “I know. Things have been pretty stuck ever since humanity found Enlightenment”.

Jane held Alissa’s hand, and smiled at her. “Hey, don’t feel down. This is the best date I’ve been to so far”.

“So far?” Alissa did not like those words.

“Yes, so far, because I’m sure our second date is going to be even better” Jane said.

The response took Alissa by surprise. She smiled at Jane, held her hand, and pushed her up “Let’s go. We’ll find a better place”.

As they were walking out, Jane stopped for a moment. “Do you think we should… I don’t know, destroy the place, or something?”

“I guess we should? I don’t know, I’m just not very good at this ‘being a supervillain’ thing”.

“Same here” Jane answered, while looking at the shop. “Maybe I can infuse these corpses with artificial minds, and use them to terrorize the city?” she suggested.

“That sounds villainous” Alissa conceded. “But only the ones that are in a proper condition”.

Jane concentrated her psychic powers, which made a small bright circle appear in her forehead. Several rays of light emanated from the circle, and hit the corpses in the Starbucks. The dead bodies rose back up to their feet, and exited the shop. The two women walked out, and looked at the policemen who had gathered outside.

“Please, we ask you to stop your criminal activities” one of them shouted.

“I’ll take care of them” Jane said, and she telepathically commanded the dead that she was controlling to attack the policemen.

The twenty or so corpses that were under her control attacked the agents that had surrounded the coffee shop. These men and women, shooting courageously, were not phased when any of them fell, and, without letting their emotions cloud them, they dealt with the dead effectively. Alissa looked extremely annoyed when she had to stop the stray bullets that flew towards them in the fight.

“Don’t you get angry that your comrades died?” she asked the policemen.

“No. We are going to miss them, but anger goes against Enlightenment. The best thing that we can do to honour their memory is to give them a dignified goodbye, and to try to stop you to the best of our power” one of them said.

Everyone seemed to agree.

“I can’t believe this!” she yelled. She then turned towards Jane. “Not even the slightest reaction!”

“Do you want me to…?”

“No, no. You must be tired. Let me do this”.

Alissa advanced towards the police agents. They warned her not to walk another step, but she did not listen. When they started shooting her, she deflected the bullets back towards them. Some of them were injured, but others were still trying to fight her. She pushed the ground open, and an enormous crack surrounded the police cars and agents. A nearby building started to sink, and Alissa pushed it to the ground, and down into the crack.

“I think that qualifies as supervillainous?” she said.

“I hope so. I’ve killed several police agents, and all of the innocents in that building. Plus, damaged a lot of infrastructure”.

“Anyway, what now?” Jane asked.

Alissa thought about it. “Let’s go find a coffee shop where we can get some decent coffee”.

She held Jane and started to fly away.

***

The next morning, Alissa was reading the news on the computer, looking for any sort of information about the destruction that they had provoked. She found a small piece of news. “Destruction in Clover Street” it read. The news report explained that a crack had opened on the ground, and that it had produced important destruction. No mention of Jane and her producing the destruction, and fighting and killing the policemen. It had all been deemed a part of a natural disaster.

“Damn it!” Alissa cursed.

War

Dear Vera,

Get ready for this, because this week I have some sad news.

My boss, the sub-Lieutenant Third of the American Branch of the Illuminati, has passed away. I never got to know him, because he wasn’t my boss before, and because he was in hospital the whole time while he was my boss. In fact, I have never seen his face, because it got terribly disfigured by that giant fiery bird that everyone keeps talking about. Now that I have taken his position, I hope the best for him in the afterlife, and I hope to honour his memory by fulfilling my duties as sub-Lieutenant Third of the American Branch of the Illuminati.

Now that I’ve given you some good news, it’s time for the actual bad news.

The Freemasons have declared war on the Illuminati. Apparently, as our forefathers predicted, the Illuminati and the Freemasons would eventually fight on the greatest war on all of history, which would be fought in the Plains of Angst and Sorrow and would decide the destiny of humanity as it moves on a speck of dust through the vast infinity of void that is the universe. During this war, one will destroy the other, and the winner will shape the world to its image.

This makes me extremely sad. I mean, I have read some of the pamphlets that the Freemasons give out in the streets, and they are very similar to our own. Most of them involve luring people to restaurants, bars and clubs with special offers and to kidnap them, to brainwash them later on so that they acquire the company values. The Freemasons and the Illuminati have so much in common! I think both companies would benefit from collaboration instead of competition, and I’ve tried to explain this to the warring leaders of the Illuminati, but all explanations have been met with tribal dances of power.

As the Illuminati are preparing for war, I feel the urge to try to negotiate with the Freemasons. I think I’m going to try to go pay them a visit on my own, just to see what I can manage to do with dialogue. It’s probably going to be extremely dangerous, and the Freemasons will think that this is just a strategy for me to distract them. But I need to try. I think peace is the only way for us to manage to make this a better world.

Hope it goes well!

Jan

Anniversary!

I have not been posting anything recently. The last couple of months have been pretty busy with work, my studies… Oh, well, I guess that’s life.

However, I’m taking the anniversary of this blog (- It’s been 1 year since you started sharing stories here? You’re getting old… – Shhhhhhhut up!) to get back to writing here a bit more regularly, with weekly updates, and new stories to entertain you. If these can make you smile, I’ll be happy to share them.

And, as always, thanks for taking the time to read all of these, if it wasn’t for you readers of this blog, I wouldn’t have had such enjoyable writing experiences!

The end

It had been a week since Jeffrey and Helena had escaped London. Now they were going back. They knew where the eco-president and the mad scientists would be. That was the only thing that was left to do. The group of survivors moved south without encountering any sort of resistance, and went all the way to Regent’s Park without meeting anyone in person. The black lady from the shop where Helena and Jeffrey had initially hidden was in the entrance, waiting for them.

“Well, that’s the end of it, then” she announced.

“It is, grandma” Jeffrey said, hugging the old lady. “We now need to arrest the people in here and start to rebuild”.

“Good, good” Jeffrey’s grandma nodded. “But don’t let those maniacs live. A bullet to the head should be enough to end the problem”.

“That’s what I think, too” Helena’s grandmother agreed.

The two ladies started to talk, and seemed to hit it off. They did not enter the bamboo palace that the environmentalists had built in the park. In fact, nobody did. Dani just gave an order, and they set fire to the building. A small group, which included the eco-president and Barbara, came out of the building. Before they could say a thing, Dani’s people shot them down.

“Wow. Wasn’t that a bit excessive?” Helena asked.

“These people and their followers have killed over 5 billion people. They had already sealed their fates” Dani explained.

“But I just feel that… I don’t know, this whole thing, this story, or whatever this is, doesn’t get much closure, does it?” Helena asked.

Jeffrey intervened. “I’ve told you before. Life is absurd. It is completely absurd that thee environmentalists did any of these things, but they somehow did. Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense, and you just have to accept that”.

Helena sighed. An absurd period had ended, after a completely senseless chain of events. Now rebuilding was going to take a lot of effort from everyone.

New Missions

Dear Vera,

I’ve been too busy to read any mail this week. As I had told you already, I am now working as a Priest of the Dark Lord, Assistant of the sub-Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America. This means that I have many more responsibilities, than before, and that I get to know a lot more about the world, and the inner workings of the company.

So, the other day I was in a meeting with my boss’ boss, because apparently the bird that attacked Lisa’s boss, that is, my current boss (who holds the position of sub-Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America), was some sort of sacred bird whose fiery tail pierced through his impure soul, mortally wounding him. This means that he is agonizing, and that I’ll probably have to take his position in the company when he dies (which is a bit of a pity, because that means I will never experience being the human sacrifice in the Dark Mass). I am currently already carrying out his work in practical effects, so that would only affect my salary and the perks I get from it, which is great!

Now, the other day, in that meeting I was telling you about, the Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branch of America, High Priestess of the Dark Lord, explained that the Masons were advancing in their domination of the world, and that we needed to stop them. From what I understand, the Masons are a rival company whose interests oppose those of the Illuminati, and the High Priestess said that we need to stomp them, murder them, torture them and utterly shatter them.

The first objective in our fight against the Masons is to brainwash as many members of the president’s cabinet as possible. It would seem that previous brainwashing efforts were not strong enough, and that the Mason brainwashing is making the members of the cabinet behave in the erratic way in which they currently do. Our mission was to stabilize them and make them work in accordance to our company’s goals.

I was the one in charge of said mission, so the High Priestess’ personal assistant opened a portal for me to go to Washington. A few people from the company had already prepared meetings with the members of the cabinet for me to brainwash them, and so I headed to each and every one of them, fearing that my brainwashing abilities might not be on point for such a delicate mission.

What I found was… Weird. Like, they responded pretty easily to my brainwashing, and their new interests were back in line with those of the Illuminati, but they still behaved quite erratically, even when directed towards those goals. Upon further inspection I realized that the members of the cabinet had no cerebral activity, or any sort of brain, for that matter. Their skulls were just empty shells.

When I explained this to the High Priestess, she said that all politicians turn into clay golems over time, and that it was only normal to find that they had no brains. This apparently had something to do with some hex that a witch placed on all politicians a long time ago. I then asked her whether it would be more efficient to replace those human-golems which were weak and could be brainwashed by more robust golems that could not be brainwashed.

She seemed to like the idea, and that is what we have done! The High Priestess, who is called Christina, by the way, said that we could go really far with that kind of mentality! I am so happy that my efforts are being valued!

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well back at home. Give my regards to friends and family.

Jan

Wrapping things up

They listened carefully, and heard no more buzz. They had spent over an hour in complete silence. Jeffrey finally spoke. “I think it should be safe to move now”.

The three women walked outside. They saw a bunch of corpses throughout the street. It would seem that the town and its surroundings had not been abandoned when they had arrived. The Genetically Modified Soldiers had swept past the town, killing everyone that they could detect. As Helena’s grandmother inspected one of the corpses, there was a large buzz.

Helena turned around and saw a mosquito-man. Its eyes were looking at them, and it seemed ready to attack. Before Helena could react, an axe cut through its head. Helena gasped, and the creature screamed in pain, as it received several hits from the axe. The body fell dead, revealing Dani, who had sneaked up behind the soldier and hit it several times with the axe.

“Dani?” Helena suddenly noticed.

“Hey! Helena, Jeffrey. I suppose that this is your grandmother?”

“So you’re Dani” Helena’s grandmother registered Dani’s face.

Dani nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, but let’s leave the introductions for later. We need to move now”.

“Move? Where?” Helena asked.

“This whole eco-revolution thing is coming to an end. Social order is decomposing, and the eco-regime is losing control. They are losing battles all over the world… And we are now going to cut-off its head” Dani explained.

“But what about these insect-soldiers? How are we going to destroy them? There are thousands of them!”

“Helena does have a point. We can’t be reckless about this” Helena’s grandmother said.

“I will explain everything as we go. Let’s head towards London”.

The four of them got onto Jeffrey’s car, and started to move south. Dani started to talk.

“OK, so let’s start from the beginning. This whole eco-revolution thing was not started by environmentalists, or anything like that. It was started by scientists. In particular, a group of scientists that was researching several pathogens that disrupted human DNA” Dani said. “They discovered that, using these pathogens and several viral vectors, they could transform people into hybrids with animal characteristics. Radiation can help with the mutation process”.

“That is the reason why those soldiers in Newcastle…!” Helena realized.

“Yes. Those were a test run. The thing is, the human body cannot process these pathogens well. In fact, initial trials were a complete fiasco, and so the project was cancelled”.

“I imagine someone went bonkers about this” Jeffrey hypothesized.

“You are right. The principal investigator did not want the project to be cancelled, so he sought out for funding and support. Most world-governments did not want to hear anything about it… But somehow, nobody knows how, the current eco-president heard about the project, and seemed interested”.

“Mad scientist and crazy environmentalist. Sounds like a bad combo to me” Jeffrey added.

“The researcher somehow managed to convince the environmentalists that his project would help humans evolve onto a next level, with hybrid features, in which they would be more in sync with nature. They could change the world, and he would help them by testing his chemicals on as many people as possible” Dani continued.

“Is that the reason why most of the killing actually happened in hospitals, and not in the street?” Helena’s grandmother asked, remembering how she got called.

Dani nodded. “Yes. The environmentalists went onto that spiral of madness somehow, and are now actively participating in this whole thing. I don’t think I need to explain much of what has happened since the eco-revolution. The data that they’ve gathered has allowed our mad scientist to improve the formula, and that is the reason why there are now so many genetically modified soldiers”.

After a pause, Helena felt like she needed to ask a few questions. “How did you know all of this stuff? How did you know where we were moving?”

“Well… Scientists like myself were the first ones to get persecuted. Some were kidnapped and sent to work for the genetic modifications project. Many others were killed because the environmentalists thought, in their madness, that science is a depraved practice that leads to technological improvement and strain on natural resources. So me and others had to go into hiding. We organized, and have managed to create quite a complex association. We have spies everywhere”.

“Like myself” Jeffrey explained.

“And what now?” Helena’s grandmother asked.

“The eco-regime had killed over five billion people in about a year. They have somehow proven to be the deadliest force on the world. We are going to stop them” Dani stated.

“How? They have those soldiers, and what do we have to fight them?” Helena asked, worriedly.

Dani smiled. “We have a plan. Those soldiers are quite unstable and don’t last over a few days, so we are going to wait while we get ready. And then we will finish the eco-government, and rebuild from the ashes of our society”.

The Dark Mass

Dear Vera,

I would ask you how things are at home, but there seems to be a problem with post, and even though I receive your letters, I seem to have problems reading them. The last letter that you sent me was quite thick. I am guessing it contained letters from mom, dad and everyone else, right? Well, when I opened the envelope, just as I received the letter, an incredibly powerful gust of wind took all of the papers away (the envelope, too!).

I cast a few spells to try to capture the papers, but they did not work. I ran after the papers, and, after what must have been a few hours of running, I reached a vast wasteland in the edge of the Occult Neighbourhood. I had never seen this wasteland, and that was actually the last time I saw it. When the papers landed on it, a forest grew over it, so thick that it was impossible to navigate. When I finally gave up, I met a figure with the skull of a ram for a head, who looked at me in an intense way (despite its lack of eyes), and told me that “Destiny had been sealed”.

Going to this week’s activities, I had already told you about the Dark Mass, right? Well, it has already happened. The other day, I met the Dark Lord. As I told you in my previous letter, every Priest and Priestess of the Dark Lord, Assistant of the sub-Lieutenant Third of the Illuminati branches needed to be sacrificed in the Dark Mass. My boss, Lisa, was going to attempt to kill her boss to get a promotion and manage to escape the deadly fate. However, she could not find him at any point during the week, not even instants prior to the Dark Mass, because, apparently, he had been attacked by some large bird, and so he did not come to work during the whole week. Lisa finally had to come to terms with the idea that she was going to get sacrificed to the Dark Lord.

The Dark Mass was an extremely controlled ceremony. There was lots of protocol to be followed, and to be fair, I was thankful to the seminars that I had received on the previous week. The ceremony took place in some sort of cathedral that we accessed through underground tunnels. Seats had been assigned for us; I was seating towards the edge of the room, and all of the sacrifices were in the very centre, so my boss had a pretty good place to see the whole thing. The cathedral must have been larger than a stadium, but it was crowded. There were thousands of people there!

The people that were going to get sacrificed were in quite some distress, and there was quite a lot of noise, but I could not see why, or what was going on. Suddenly, several lights of different colours illuminated each of us, and the cathedral went from the black of everyone’s cloaks to a sea of colour. My light was a bright white, a rare thing that I could not see on anyone else (but there were over 50,000 people there, so no easy way to know if there were others like me). There were green, blue, red, yellow, pink… and several other colours. One of the regions of the public looked like one of those Find Waldo drawings. The sacrifices did not have any colours on them.

A dark fluid concentrated on the ceiling of the building, and spiralled down in weird shapes that defied any sense, falling over the human sacrifices. They were enveloped by that black goo in no time, and when they had all disappeared under that dark mantle, the Dark Lord materialized. Now, this was quite a shocking experience. I don’t remember exactly what the Dark Lord looked like. It had long hair, and I think it had wings and horns, but I cannot quite remember what happened. A girl that was sitting next to me told me that the Dark Lord was such a superior being that our brains had trouble conceptualizing it, so the brain avoided those memories.

The Dark Lord disappeared without saying a thing, apparently pleased with the Dark Mass. The centre of the cathedral was left empty, and the human sacrifices were nowhere to be seen. After several rituals, we all went back to our workplaces. I asked about Lisa, and I was told that she had ‘crossed to the other side’ which I think means that she has gone to work in Europe now. Good for her.

This meant that her position was vacant, so it was offered to me. I gladly accepted it, and I am now a Priest of the Dark Lord, Assistant of the sub-Lieutenant Third of the American branch of the Illuminati. I am so excited! I am going to have new responsibilities now! I really like the opportunities for promotion that the Illuminati offer. I’ll start working on my new position soon, and I will get to meet my new boss! Let’s hope it goes well!

Regards,

Jan